"I'm not mind reading. She is clearly using the ruse of studying to mask whatever her actual plans are. It's not an assumption, it's plain to see."
Umm no, it's mindreading. You aren't her so unless you are, you are just assuming things. It doesn't do any good to mindread these things because your imagination will have a tendency to feed off of your fears.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Nice PMA dose last night. Went to the gym after work, and made tentative plans with a friend for afterwards. Was just going to throw something on and walk out of the house, but then got a little idea. Went back upstairs, showered, shaved, got dressed sharp, then came down and told W I was going out with a friend. Saw her look me up and down a little, heheh. I'm definitely looking much better than I was 2 months ago. And feeling/acting 100% better. Felt good to leave the house looking nice and with a little air of mystery.
Once I got out with the friend, I got a call from an old friend who moved away last year, who happened to be in town unannounced. Met up with him and a bunch of other friends I rarely see, and had a total blast of a night just talking and listening to music. Didn't talk about my sitch at all. Someone asked how I was doing with everything and I just said "great. just looking for PMA everywhere I go, and I'm getting a LOT of it from you guys tonight." Lots of hugs all around.
DBers, if youve got people in your corner, you need to get them all together once in awhile, not to gripe and moan about your situation, but to remind you of who you truly are. There's no better feeling.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
My dilemma this week is confronting the financial reality of our situation. For the last two months, I have paid rent, car payment, babysitter, gas bill and probably 80% of groceries bought out of my new individual account. W has made incidental purchases for the kids but nothing else substantial. I'm barely making it work (though I am enjoying the confidence boost from handling this on my own). Yesterday W mentioned wanting to get some winter wear for the baby but not being able to because she's "broke", which I believe.
She's still somewhat haphazardly searching for apartments. Who will pay for this, I don't know, but it's not me. Her intention seemed to be to save her paychecks to do this, which I'm fine with, but it's clear it's not happening.
My paycheck this week will go entirely to bills and groceries. She needs to pay the babysitter. I've paid every week since establishing my own account. I'd like to bring this up with her, but it runs counter to my very successful strategy of avoiding all conversations with her, acting as if, and handling everything with positivity, independence and strength. I suppose I can simply ask her how she feels about making this payment, but I am wary of it turning into a convo about the elephant in the room, eg WTH are we doing right now. She is in la la land and I am content to leave her there while working on myself, but she is skating past all th tough responsibilities right now. On the one hand I'm ready to be patient, on the other, she could just take advantage of this sitch for a long time.
Ideas anyone?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Hit the gym and took the kids to the children's museum. When I got home, W initiated S talk. First discussion of S in close to a month. Asked how I was doing, I said I felt good, was doing a lot of work on myself and reflecting. Told her I was trying to become a better man. She said she had noticed, and asked if it seemed like my AD was workng. I said yes. I asked her how she was feeling, said "I want to hear about your feelings". She said she was feeling very fatigued, and said she really needs to get her thyroid straightened out. Her dad and stepmom have offered to buy her health insurance, but apparently it won't go through. "But if I get my own apartment, I'll qualify for free coverage so it seems silly to make them pay for it." I hadn't really thought of that angle. She said she saw an apartment last week that had a ton of room for a very affordable price, but it was a dump, and then the next day she said she had a vision of being in the apartment and blood started coming out of the walls. I validated this to the best of my ability. (
(Years ago, we moved into a new place, and she immediately started having visions at night of a huge black bird swooping around our bedroom. She said she wanted us to move out. I held firm that we had just moved with our two kids and we weren't going to move again, eventually she let it go. Right after BD, she brought it up as an example of me not respecting her spirituality. She said that our first S had happened in that house and that was why. I don't even know what to say to any of this.)
She asked if I thought she should move out nov 1 or wait until after the holidays. I said it was up to her. She said that whatever happens, can we agree that we will spend Xmas as a family, neither one of us can take the kids elsewhere. I said of course that's what I want. She asked for reassurance that if she finds a suitable place, that I will agree to 50/50 custody of the children. I gave a vague reassurance (I really don't want to make any promises of any kind to her right now....she's the one leaving). I told her that I have a hard time imagining not having the kids every day. I wanted to say "how can YOU imagine not seeing your kids every day" but I was able to hold that back.
She said she just needed to put good energy out into the universe and hope it comes back to her in the form of a nice affordable place to live. This sounds really harsh, but my W is not generally a person who puts out a lot of good energy. She is a moody sarcastic grump, which I love her dearly for of course, but yeah she's not exactly a ray of sunshine, especially right now. She informed me that she would be staying overnight at her course this weekend and asked if that was ok.
She said she really appreciated how nice I had been to her for the last month. I told her that I wanted to be nice to her. That I was trying to make a conscious effort to be and do better for everyone. This seemed to touch her. There were a few moments in the convo where I felt like she was hitting a wave of emotion, but for the most part she stayed distant and cool.
On the whole, I maintained through this conversation, but it hurt me like hell. I listened to her, didn't challenge her, tried to validate though it was very hard, as I still don't see much reality at work in what she's talking about. I know to believe nothing of what I hear, and as long as the A is on, she will say whatever she needs to say to justify it, but man, there is just no daylight. I can at least say that I spoke the truth. I told her I still didn't want S, but I didn't really push to say more beyond that, not wanting to tip my hand too much. There is soooo much I want to say, but I don't think the moment is right yet.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Spoke with my parents and sister in a little speakerphone group therapy. They are urging me to bring reality to her. She can't afford her own place. She's not mentally/healthily capable of being a 50/50 parent. She needs to address her health, the thyroid, the fatigue, the drinking, whatever it is that's wrong. I'm bending over backward to shield her from reality and accommodate her fantasy, and even without saying it, I am buying into the plan of S, which currently means limbo until she makes a move.
They also urged me to consult a lawyer.
I'm thinking of writing her a letter. Not pleading for her to come back, but letting her know all of this.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Spoke with a L on he phone. Was helpful, though basically it seems like I can do very little different than I am now, short of filing. She did say that I don't have to worry about "promising" 50/50 custody as it will not be held against me in court. That's good to know. She seems to be returning to that question over and over, as if her fear of me taking the kids is holding her back from taking any action. Though it seems like she has a whole host of anxieties in the way of doing anything here.
So stuck.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
W just popped home for a minute to grab lunch (it's my day off) and told me she made flu shot appointments for kids. Also said she bit the bullet and made an appt for tomorrow to have her thyroid looked at. Her mom will pay. Breakthrough?
In a five minute span, she told me the same thing twice about which doctors office she made the appt at. Then she stopped herself and said wait, I already told you that a minute ago. "My mind is just in such a fog". Her words. She's done things like that several times over the last month or so, telling me something as if she hasn't just mentioned it earlier or yesterday.
Trying not to hold onto the false hope that this is all somehow medical. But this is a positive step.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Just feeling blah today. When W got home last night, I went out to do grocery shopping and then to the gym. Before I left, W needed help fixing something on the computer, and right as I was looking over her shoulder to help, she got a text from OM. Thank god she doesn't have a phone that shows the actual text on the screen. I said nothing, finished the fix and left without a word. When I got home the boys were still awake so I went up to be with them for a bit. When I came downstairs she had left a note that she was out for a bit and would be back later.
I'm so glad she's finally seeking some help for her thyroid. I do think it's played a key role here, in triggering her depression, in weakening her so that she's just wanted to retreat from the 24/7 work of our family. I don't think it's directly responsible for the A, but I think it's a major factor in her strange mental state right now. It just kills me to think of her seeking solace with someone else, or sharing her struggle with him. I want to be the one helping her through this. So much pain today.
Meanwhile, I walked oldest to school today. I rotate with some other parents walking a group of kids to school and Tuesday is my day (small 180 for me, taking on responsibilities in the neighborhood like this). It's a bit of a trial run for our S, as it means W has to drop off the other two kids on her own, which is not her typical morning schedule. She's failed this test every Tuesday so far but once. I get home and S6 still needs to be brought to school, 20 minutes late. So frustrating.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
W said doctor said she likely has Hashimoto's, one of the more common thyroid imbalance syndromes. She still has to get more test results.
A long road here, will she get the right treatment, will she stick to it, will it reverse any changes in her mood? Will she quit drinking? Will she want me back? All out of my control. I'm rereading DR tonight for sure.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
