Hi So sorry to read about your situation and the pai you feel. We are all going through hell and I cry most days to. You have to follow BD and DR Your W is where she is so you have to follow the advice the books and this forum give you. No one ca. Tell you if your W loves you or will love you again, she proberbly doesn't know her self. At the moment she is not in love with you and you trying to discuss why will not help. Deal with you and become the best you possible. She feel in love with you once it could happen again. BUT it won't if you keep trying to convince her. Try different ways to cope until you find ones that work. Meditation relaxation tapes walking. Gym yoga keep trying till you find one. It won't remove the pain but it will help. Please know a lot of people on here know your pain and it's rotten You have to help yourself Take care
Hang in there, friend. I am so sorry she is not turning herself around. I hate this whole MLC thing where they blame the LBS for making them rip the family apart.
I think you did fine in that conversation, for what it's worth.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
labug, I really appreciate you hanging in there for me. My first post was the worst of the stuff over 14 years - none of that really applied to the last couple of years. (Except my increasingly poor reaction to my SSM - I haven't chronicled that here at all because it doesn't really matter right now). I hope you don't think too poorly of me...it wasn't all like that. But even if you do, you've taken the time to help me in spite of my shortcomings, with no expectation of help in return. You are a woman of immense grace.
Shake, I don't think poorly of you and if I did, what would that mean for you?
I was you in a lot of ways. I never cursed at my H, I never called him names, we never had explosive arguments by what I did was just as damaging. I could have been the postergirl for what Gottman terms the 4 Horse(wo)men. I added withholding sex just to make it even more damaging. I was an emotionally abusive wife and it took me a long time to be able to say that either to myself or others. But I had to see that and feel the enormity of it and take responsibility for it in order to change it. When we continue to make excuses or think "It wasn't that bad," we protect our ego at the expense of those we love.
I'm speaking to you as a person who had to do a lot of digging to uncover the person I was meant to be. Eventually, 3 years later my H sensed the change and we began talking, then dating and now we're reconciled for the last 10 months. So don't think I'm picking on you when I say it may take your W a long time to recover and to believe you have changed fundamentally. Those are just the facts.
Steve Stosny's stuff was also very helpful to me.
I don't think poorly of you but that doesn't mean I won't hold your feet to the fire on occasion.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Solid feedback, bug. Hope the desert is beautiful this fall. To answer your question "I don't think poorly of you and if I did, what would that mean for you?"
It would mean that I have even more reason to believe that there are people (like yourself) who do hard things for the right reasons. Probably also that while I don't "deserve" this divorce, my actions (and inaction) certainly made it possible.
However, after reading your whole post, I just feel like my feet are warm, not yet toasty. My basic sentiment remains the same. You are a woman of incredible grace. I'll take it. (Also, thanks for introducing me to the Gottman stuff.)
Meanwhile, peaceful day. D8 is out with W getting ears pierced. W is going for coffee after with a mutual friend who is flabbergasted by our upcoming D, but will be a neutral party when we need babysitting, backup, etc.
I will try to get a nap.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
W is going for coffee after with a mutual friend who is flabbergasted by our upcoming D, but will be a neutral party when we need babysitting, backup, etc.
I hope the mutual friend is neutral as in "not choosing sides" but non-neutral in that he/she is firmly on the side of reconciliation.
I remember reading that a separation is less likely to end in D if mutual friends are pro-marriage. This was the closest I could find on the topic, but the research it refers to just talks about how "social contagion" can cause a mini epidemic of D.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
This friend is a mixed bag. She stays married to a husband she is not happy with(he has I nternet addiction, disconnected from family life.) She believes in marriage, and cannot understand why my W wants to leave. If anything, I fear that my W's influence will harm her.
I got out of the house for a few hours. And am sitting at the park listening to football. She's packing my D8's room. I made myself scarce.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
My Ws BFF is a total nut, not quite a WAW but her M dissolved over the last two years. She has health issues, doesn't work, is a very good mom, but just in General seems to live in her own escapist world. Today I texted her to see if her boys wanted to play with mine (they are all BFFs) and she responded "I'm in Northern California all week! Driving down the coast right now!" Okay then. Must be nice. I cringe at the influence she has over my W.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
And now, after going to the store, she is making my favorite cookies. I am not even kidding.
Seriously?
You know, what blows me away is if there is the slightest hint of me asking about ANYTHING the wife is doing, saying, feeling, speaking, etc. I get shut down and berated. Yet she comes back with the kids today and instantly wants a complete rundown of what I've been doing and why.
WAS's are crazy.
I hope you enjoyed the cookies. I'm praying for you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
A few more things before I break away and get some work done.
Does anyone else have an OK time praying through this, but struggle actually reading the word? I am OK through church, learning and listening. But picking up the Bible and working through Corinthians is hard. It's also hard to turn on Christian radio. I'm tired of being sobby all the time. It's ridiculous.
Just looking for feedback. D in one week, as a reminder. This is my Christmas year, her Thanksgiving year. She's on call at her new job over Thanksgiving, and offered me the children in exchange for her taking them for both holidays next year.
I thought about it a few minutes, then agreed. I just set a precedent, and I was thinking about that, too. I will always take time for/with my children. In the back of my mind, I was cognizant that that gives her more free time to be with OM. Well, that's no longer my concern. She can (and will) do what she wants.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
