Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

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Hit the gym and took the kids to the children's museum. When I got home, W initiated S talk. First discussion of S in close to a month. Asked how I was doing, I said I felt good, was doing a lot of work on myself and reflecting. Told her I was trying to become a better man. She said she had noticed, and asked if it seemed like my AD was workng. I said yes. I asked her how she was feeling, said "I want to hear about your feelings". She said she was feeling very fatigued, and said she really needs to get her thyroid straightened out. Her dad and stepmom have offered to buy her health insurance, but apparently it won't go through. "But if I get my own apartment, I'll qualify for free coverage so it seems silly to make them pay for it." I hadn't really thought of that angle. She said she saw an apartment last week that had a ton of room for a very affordable price, but it was a dump, and then the next day she said she had a vision of being in the apartment and blood started coming out of the walls. I validated this to the best of my ability. (

(Years ago, we moved into a new place, and she immediately started having visions at night of a huge black bird swooping around our bedroom. She said she wanted us to move out. I held firm that we had just moved with our two kids and we weren't going to move again, eventually she let it go. Right after BD, she brought it up as an example of me not respecting her spirituality. She said that our first S had happened in that house and that was why. I don't even know what to say to any of this.)

She asked if I thought she should move out nov 1 or wait until after the holidays. I said it was up to her. She said that whatever happens, can we agree that we will spend Xmas as a family, neither one of us can take the kids elsewhere. I said of course that's what I want. She asked for reassurance that if she finds a suitable place, that I will agree to 50/50 custody of the children. I gave a vague reassurance (I really don't want to make any promises of any kind to her right now....she's the one leaving). I told her that I have a hard time imagining not having the kids every day. I wanted to say "how can YOU imagine not seeing your kids every day" but I was able to hold that back.

She said she just needed to put good energy out into the universe and hope it comes back to her in the form of a nice affordable place to live. This sounds really harsh, but my W is not generally a person who puts out a lot of good energy. She is a moody sarcastic grump, which I love her dearly for of course, but yeah she's not exactly a ray of sunshine, especially right now. She informed me that she would be staying overnight at her course this weekend and asked if that was ok.

She said she really appreciated how nice I had been to her for the last month. I told her that I wanted to be nice to her. That I was trying to make a conscious effort to be and do better for everyone. This seemed to touch her. There were a few moments in the convo where I felt like she was hitting a wave of emotion, but for the most part she stayed distant and cool.

On the whole, I maintained through this conversation, but it hurt me like hell. I listened to her, didn't challenge her, tried to validate though it was very hard, as I still don't see much reality at work in what she's talking about. I know to believe nothing of what I hear, and as long as the A is on, she will say whatever she needs to say to justify it, but man, there is just no daylight. I can at least say that I spoke the truth. I told her I still didn't want S, but I didn't really push to say more beyond that, not wanting to tip my hand too much. There is soooo much I want to say, but I don't think the moment is right yet.