I think it feels to me like if I let go and let God direct my path, no matter where it leads, that somehow it feels like I am giving up on the hope and faith that that path WILL lead to a restored M to H. Giving up on MY hopes and dreams of a life with H to defer to God's plan is still scary to me.
Fth,
It is really scary stuff, this letting go. We become so attached to our original plans, and what we just knew our future would look like.
Our H made promises to us, and to God. And in their "brokenness", they broke those promises and vows.
To let go, as I learned here....does not necessarily mean the same as giving up. It does not mean there is no hope.
It means you love him enough to let him figure himself out.
The hope is that he returns a whole person. That he comes to terms with who he is and what has happened. And he wants to work together on a new, better R.
I know you want to help him, fth. I am the same way.
I kept wanting to "lead" my H down his path. Show him how to face his past. I stopped short of chasing him around the house with self-help books, but not by much.
Fth, we can't lead them. This is a journey that we were not invited to go on. He has to do this on his own. He just has to. That's the only way this works, for him to see it through to the end and come out whole.
When I first realized H was in MLC, I prayed and prayed for my marriage to be restored. I bargained that I would learn how to communicate better. That I would promise to be more patient. That I would listen and fix everything he complained about if we could just have another chance.
Then my eyes really opened to the whole thing, this MLC.
As I realized this was truly a marathon, and H was not going to simply "snap" out of it, I began to really look inward. I'm still looking, and still learning.
My prayers have since changed. I can't control what happens in my M. I can't control what H thinks or does. I can control me. I could pray for my M to be reconciled. It's bigger than that, though.
What I learned, for me, was that I would rather see my H become the man he is meant to be, than have him turn around and come back without learning what he must. To face his demons so he can live a life of peace. So he can become the man God intends, regardless of me. I wouldn't want him to be deprived of the gift of wholeness.
I had to decide to love him enough to let him go. Do I still hope we reconcile? Oh, yes. Very much so. Before that happens, there must be growth.
So, you and I are in a similar stage, fth. I believe, with everything that I am, that what happened was meant to happen. I believe that if H is meant to come back, he will. I am focusing on myself, my kids, learning who I want to be, in "hopes" that one day, my R with H will benefit from my growth. That I can be a better wife going forward. That I can learn lessons I'm supposed to learn.
Regardless of H, these lessons are for me. That I will be better, no matter what the future holds.
There are no guarantees that your H or mine will return. That isn't up to us.
If we use this time we are given, to work on ourselves....really dig deep.... We cannot lose.
