I woke up this morning, the same way I have for the past nearly 6 months since S. I still look around for a minute and remember this new life. The apartment that is my new "normal" is feeling like home.
For the first months, I would wake up and wish it was all a nightmare. When I accepted it was real, I would still wake up and my first thought was remembering I'm alone. Everyday, I would start my morning with the feeling of loss. I would dread getting out of bed, to have to face the day not knowing what my future holds.
Then it occurred to me. Did I know what my future held when I used to wake up next to H? I mean, really know?
Nope. I thought I did. I relied on that thought, everyday, mindlessly going through my life. Completely certain that we would grow old together, certain he would never leave me, and that he was my rock. I took everything for granted. I was so sure. And so wrong.
I depended on the promises he made to me, as never changing. But they did. And so it has become time for me to reroute my life. Time to make choices.
If I choose to wake up everyday, feeling a sense of loss, where does that get me? It gets me nowhere, but stuck. Not where I want to be.
How do I get where I want to be?
For starters, I am reclaiming my self-worth. I'm beginning to remember my value. I owe it to myself, and to my kids, to use this gift of time. It's the greatest, necessary opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with my own demons. To become the woman I am meant to be, and to live this life to the fullest.
For me, personally, that doesn't have to look like running all over town to every event, festival, concert, and class simply for the sake of being busy. Or worse.....appearing busy. I enjoy those things, and I get it that some people truly love to go and go and go. I loved it, too, when I was much younger. That could change again, depending on where I'm at. But that's not what my peace and joy look like today.
It looks like facing forward. Opening my eyes to what I have. What is next. What is possible. What really matters.
So I made the decision to do my best to stop looking back.
Although I'm not looking back, I'm taking a few big step backwards. And guess what? My world just gets bigger. I can see so much more now.
There is more in this life for me, than this one particular, lost man. I love him. Oh, my......do I love him. In the deepest, truest sense, I do. With this love, I'm feeling a sense of peace, knowing that it's time to let him go. My hope is for him to become whole.
Whether he pushes through the D or not, our M was over long before I even knew it. Long before S. It just was. I'm seeing that now.
What we had was real, and it happened, and it mattered. I'm better for having him in my life. I wasn't ready for it to come to an end.
Just like when my kids were little, and it was time to go home from the fair. And they cried, and cried, and cried. Kicking and screaming, begging and pleading. They weren't ready to leave, because it was absolutely magnificent. But they didn't understand there would be more fairs. More magnificent things in their lives.
They had never been to the circus. They had yet to visit Disney World. They hadn't yet seen the ocean. I knew there was more than the fair. But their little minds couldn't get that yet.
So, no....last spring.....I wasn't ready to leave the fair.
I do know, that life has more in store for me. What that looks like, is for me to figure out and create.
I may or may not return to the fair. I'm remaining open to everything. I do not want a D. Not in the least. I'm accepting that for H, it may need to happen, for the greater good of getting through his tunnel......for him to go on his journey without getting stuck looking back at me.
Time will tell. It always does.
I was thinking about baking today.... Anyone like muffins?
