Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

Back to our fights. The "How Dare Nitty Threaten to Leave Me" fight was ultra dramatic. He told me he would never feel safe again, because all I ever did to him anymore was attack him. Hurt him. Threaten to abandon him.

I thought, "Hell, I am not going to hold his hand through every tantrum and ignore my own feelings of abandonment." I imagined what it would be like to tell him "Let's just end this crap. I'd rather be D." I spent hours wondering if I was strong enough to end it.

I berated myself for claiming "marriage is forever" and there I was, considering ending it. Was I willing to end it because he was trying to reconcile and I have "the power" now? I certainly don't feel very powerful. I feel like I have no power at all. I feel like we continue to do everything on his terms.

A bit of a turnaround.

But the day after the "She's Leaving Me!" Fight he texted me and asked me if I wanted to leave him because he didn't want to come back to the old neighborhood. That was an amazing question because it showed me he'd been thinking about his own actions and how they may have had an effect on me. At least, that's how I took it.

I wrote back about how it was so hard to reach out to him after I had just endured an entire year of feeling attacked... by his PA and its aftermath and the S and the D he initiated. And yet I reach out because I believe we can save us.

So for him to constantly tell me I am attacking him when I do stuff like ask him to stop raging at me... it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and bury myself.

He said he didn't want me feeling that way. That was four days ago. Since then he's been trying, I can see that. I say something and cringe, thinking, well, he'll go off on that for certain. And he doesn't. Somehow he doesn't even flinch whereas before he would just blast away.

So yesterday I felt better, like I could breathe more easily when I'm around him.

This morning he texted me how depressed he felt, because he can see all the havoc he caused, and he is so very sorry for it. I reassured him, thanked him for trying. Told him I love him very much.

This week has shown me that it's really going to be rocky for a while, but he IS trying. So I am again encouraged. Thank you, God, for pulling me through this. I feel like I'm still walking through Hell, but as before, I'm just gonna keep on walking, and I know You are with me.