Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

I decided to make a list of my resentments:

One Resentment. He is pushing for us to move in together again, but not at our house. He wants me to move into his place, or for us to buy another house and move there. He says he is not comfortable going back to the old neighborhood where we've lived over 20 years, because the neighbors "know too much."

Honestly, moving away seems like hiding to me, like he's not coming back, but just trying to run away and take me with him. I told him no but he is insistent. I feel resentful right there, like our reconciliation may be off unless I agree to move away from our old neighborhood.

Another resentment. He keeps pushing me to spend the night at his place. We ML, sure, but I'm not yet ready to spend the night there. I won't go into details, but where he is living now is a place that was very special to the two of us before BD, for so many reasons. And then I got kicked out so she could come in.

She slept in our bed, helped him host parties there. They engaged in their PA there. I found her mascara there. I keep finding her kids' toys there. Her favorite junk food is still in the cupboards and freezer. There are new candles all over the place. I imagine that she bought them for romantic evenings together and I HATE it. I won't open anything anymore, just try to ignore what is out in the open. I let him get everything we need from cupboards or drawers. But I feel like little bits of her are hidden EVERYWHERE.

The "I Wanno Know" Resentment. I want to know things but I can't ask. I want to know what kind of plan he has to keep this from happening again. I want to know when he's going to get rid of all of her stuff! I want to know what he spent our money on. I want to know who the other women are, in case I run into them. Right now they feel like ticking time bombs to me. I just want to be prepared. And most of all, I want him to know how much he hurt me.

The Flashback Resentments. I am starting to have flashbacks again, probably because we're entering the time of year when his EA turned into a PA.

#1. I remember how worried I was, fearing my H was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, because he was so stressed all the time. He told me it was his job. So I did everything I could to make life at home as easy as possible. When he was telling her how miserable his life with me was.

#2 When he had to "work late," I kept his dinner warm until I finally had to put it away. He suddenly started working later than he ever had in his career, and I never questioned anything. I was so trusting, so stupid.

#3 I remember one day last fall when I helped him find something he lost, and then he became very cold. Told me that he realized I had actually hidden the item. That there was no use in claiming otherwise, because HE KNEW for a fact that I had hidden it. The only question, he wondered, was why? "I think you just can't help yourself, hiding things from me. It's just a compulsion you have, to lie and hide things from me. I guess this is just something I must accept about you." I denied it, of course, but he was adamant. And every now and then he would bring it up and ask me if I was ready "to level" with him about it. "No? Not yet? Hmmm."

#4 That episode was so bizarre that I started noting his behavior in my planner, just in case I had to tell a doctor. I truly thought he was about to have a stroke brought on by work stress, like how he would suddenly rage at me because I was late coming home (even though I texted to let him know), or because I was a "freeloader" because I didn't work full time, or because I was spending too much time at work. I noted so many strange behaviors last fall I had to buy a bigger planner just to fit it all in

#5 One day he accused me of going to a cafe with someone because he found a receipt on the kitchen counter. I pointed out that the debit card number on the receipt didn't match any of ours and he said, "So you had your host pay for your lunch. You just can't help yourself with all the lies!" I didn't know where that damn receipt came from and I felt panicky, like maybe I HAD gone to that cafe and just couldn't remember. (Turned out the receipt belonged to S25.)

#6 -- Infinity! All these things kept me off balance last fall. Now I know the term for it: gaslighting. And I know he was projecting his sins onto me, to justify what he was doing. So many times I would tell myself, I'm just feeling paranoid. I ignored my gut.

#Infinity And Beyond! I'm remembering all this. His behavior toward me was cruel. And I'm not even going to go into the cruelties he inflicted during the S.