labug, I really appreciate you hanging in there for me. My first post was the worst of the stuff over 14 years - none of that really applied to the last couple of years. (Except my increasingly poor reaction to my SSM - I haven't chronicled that here at all because it doesn't really matter right now). I hope you don't think too poorly of me...it wasn't all like that. But even if you do, you've taken the time to help me in spite of my shortcomings, with no expectation of help in return. You are a woman of immense grace.
Shake, I don't think poorly of you and if I did, what would that mean for you?
I was you in a lot of ways. I never cursed at my H, I never called him names, we never had explosive arguments by what I did was just as damaging. I could have been the postergirl for what Gottman terms the 4 Horse(wo)men. I added withholding sex just to make it even more damaging. I was an emotionally abusive wife and it took me a long time to be able to say that either to myself or others. But I had to see that and feel the enormity of it and take responsibility for it in order to change it. When we continue to make excuses or think "It wasn't that bad," we protect our ego at the expense of those we love.
I'm speaking to you as a person who had to do a lot of digging to uncover the person I was meant to be. Eventually, 3 years later my H sensed the change and we began talking, then dating and now we're reconciled for the last 10 months. So don't think I'm picking on you when I say it may take your W a long time to recover and to believe you have changed fundamentally. Those are just the facts.
Steve Stosny's stuff was also very helpful to me.
I don't think poorly of you but that doesn't mean I won't hold your feet to the fire on occasion.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
