Time for Change

[Mighty]

Happy LONG WEEKEND!

Today was Senior Day at s17's football game. Parents walk their senior out on the field and as they announce each senior (football player). It was just s17 & me. Again, something I didn't expect in the past (at the banquet, they show the picture of the player and parents), to be alone w son. I am OK with it. In fact, I am honored to be with him. Despite the little rebellion flavor he is showing these days, he really is a good kid.

XH did not walk out with us. That was NOT his choice. It was s17's choice. Apparently s17 turned in the form with the info on it and listed only me to walk out. That's the way he wanted it.

Last night, when xh picked him up, he asked s17 about it. S17 told him that it was only going to be me. XH got really angry at s17. He yelled at him and told him to make sure he fixed it this morning so that he could walk out with us.

S17 did not change it. I saw him prior and he told me he didn't change it and that xh was going to be mad. I told him to leave me out of it (In a light way). I said I would support whatever he wanted to do and that it was between them.

I got a great pic of the two of us. He towers over me! My goodness! But he is so cute. He came right up to me and gave me a big hug. That's my boy. And that's the funny thing, he does not get embarrassed- he is a self-proclaimed "momma's boy". But he tells the guys at school that I'm his aunt. He had some boys say some pretty inappropriate things about me before, and it set him off. Since then, he didn't want to say I was his mom. I think the cat is out of the bag at this point.

So, I did see xh there. At home games now, he parks in a spot where he can watch from his truck. Must be a sad life when you have to constantly hide from everyone. Home games- truck, away games- other team's side.

xh and s17 are going to the movies tonight. S said since he can't do anything anyways, he may as well go, because he'd just be sitting home.

S17 also told me some things about their convo last night. Apparently, it wasn't exactly the escape from me I was thinking. I don't know if s17 wants to express his anger towards xh rather than me or what. But, it is good for him to get this out- and towards the right person!

Apparently xh was bringing up the baby sitch. S made some rude comment and xh was defensive. I think it probably hurts s to see xh seem so protective over the baby sitch and not his kids- well the ones we know are his.

S17 said that xh made everything about him. Well.... I guess that means xh still has a loooooooooonnnggg way to go. I was hoping that some of the signs I was seeing were that of accountability and movement. Probably wishful thinking. Oh well that's their deal.

But I just can help feel for my kids. This is so terrible for them. We were all so stinking close! And for him to walk out and set up shop with a new family. I know my kids are feeling it with this baby coming soon. Ugh... I just don't know how to make it better for them.

I swear- if she is in the hospital having that baby when I am there having surgery.... well, I guess nothing. There is nothing I can do but accept that it is a possibility and not think about it.

So sad for xh to not be able to participate in s17's senior events. He said, "The kids will be fine!" when he was adamant to go. Well, they will be fine. But their r isn't.

[Hope414]

I am outraged your xh allowed your son to play you two against each other. How dare he!

Your ex should have come to the house, sat your son down and gave him a lecture about "just because mom and I are divorced doesn't mean we aren't on the same parenting page. You will do what she says."

What an empowering ass.

Mighty, you have a great deal a self control. A great deal!

I have no idea how I would have reacted in this situation but I am pretty sure it would have involved a scathing email about limiting my ability to parent our teenage son--who is displaying destructive behavior patterns, probably due to recent traumatic events in his life---thank you very much absentee father who dumped his current family for a new family!

I know your ex has been a major part of your life and he is your children's father. But he is no longer your husband. This provides a lot of freedom when dealing with him.

You do not have to make him happy or "keep the peace." You didn't cause the disintegration of your family. He did.

I know this is a difficult concept to wrap your mind around since you have spent a lot of time trying to resolve a bad situation...but the situation has been (for lack of a better word) resolved. Your husband resolved it when he got a divorce.

He has defined new terms for your relationship which are: You don't have to work out anything with him if you don't want to. Your husband has been living under this auspices for quite a while and it is time you did as well.

This is what a divorce is. It means, "I don't have an intimate relationship with you anymore." What does this mean for you--in real terms?

It means: When your husband crosses the line (as he did with your son) treat him how you would treat anyone who contradicts your parenting style. If he doesn't like it: Tough.

To bad. So sad. Start acting like a real dad.

It was disgraceful the way he treated you as his wife. There is nothing that can be done about this now. But you will define the way he treats you as his ex-wife and how he acts as a father.

[Mighty]

Oh man. XH was just here to pick up s17, and s wasn't home yet. He was sitting out front- in the road, not driveway.

Then after about 5min, xh was calling my phone. I know he could see me in the house because of the big bay window.

I didn't answer, phone was in the other room. But I went and got it and responded with, "What?" via text.

XH: Did you want to sign this check?

(We got a refund and are splitting it.)

I had a school picture of d13 to give him. So, I walked out, he handed me the check, I tossed in the pic.

Then I stepped aside, signed it in like one second, handed it back, he held out the cash for it. I took it, turned, and walked away. He said, "Thank you" as I walked away. I didn't turn around, but flashed the peace sign while I kept walking. I didn't say a word.

I am weird in that I don't even want him to hear my voice, I think. I don't know why. I just feel like he does not deserve even that from me. Oh man... I don't know who I am.

I wasn't b!tchy, wasn't nice. Again... indifferent. I give him nothing.

Frigger.

[uRworthy]

Im sorry, Mighty. I know it's not the life you thought you were going to have.

I also know as Mama bears, we want to fix everything for our kids. Unfortunately, you cant in this instance. They need to forge whatever relationship they decide with their dad.

It is sad that your xh didnt get to stand with his son. But it speaks volumes about your son's strength and conviction that he didnt change that form. He loves his mom.

You just keep finding Mighty. You will get to where you need and want to be.

Let them blow in the wind, M. They arent worth your headspace.

Just remember to be you....in spite of how they act. They took enough, dont give them one ounce more.

[Hope414]

Hey Mighty,

I don't know when this will post. My responses are monitored so everything I write is on a time delay.

But just wanted to say that I like the way you handle your xh. For goodness sakes! Sitting in his truck outside your house and calling you. Very "conflict avoidant."

What he needs to do is take control and heal the relationships he destroyed.

[Mighty]

Thanks, uR. I am getting there. I had a moment today, a good moment. One in which you can feel yourself jump over the hurdle.

I was thinking about all that I have to do with this house. I don't feel angry with xh about it. I was overwhelmed for quite some time with the burden left, on top of putting myself together, picking up the remains of my children, and carrying on- doing everything.

I haven't felt angry at him about it for quite some time. Not that part, anyway. The betrayal- yes. But the burden, nope. I feel like I have the opportunity right now to really show what I'm made of. To myself. It does not matter what other think. People always have an opinion. Does it matter. Well, not really. I'm the one who has to be in my skin everyday. I can hear what I want and leave the rest.

I have this amazing opportunity to really be me. Without the influence of anyone. I don't let anyone tell me what to do or how I should react. I come here because I value input, as others understand. I take what I like, what I feel benefits me. That means, I do have to take the things that are hard sometimes, too. The things that make me better. Challenge myself. Look inward.

I have lots of thoughts. I'm gonna get to them quite soon. There is a lot to let out. I am also ready to get to AJ's questions from my last thread. You know... life and all that. Ha, excuses, right?? Naaaawwww.... lots of thinking about it.

Yesterday was the closest I've been to xh since the first week of June. I can't believe 4 months. I remember it quite well. He was leaning in my car, so nice and connecting. I said, "You're peeling," as I picked off a piece of skin from his arm. Turns out... it was from his cruise. I had no idea.

What a difference... yesterday.... the closest time... I didn't give him the time of day.

It's weird, ya know?

D13 was supposed to do something with xh today. She does not like to be alone with him- AT ALL! And since s17 saw him yesterday, it was her turn. She wanted to bring a friend, and he said no. He is so cheap, I swear. She said if her friend can't go, she isn't (to the movies). So he didn't go! OMG! I don't get involved at all. I don't say a word. She tells me, she is so annoyed, she hates dealing with it. I just listen.

I see my sweet little girl hardening. I don't like it. She is soooo sarcastic. I don't mind that at all... I know right where she gets it! ME! But, it is like her defense mechanism. OK, so that's me too. Geesh. But she is not so loving anymore. S17 is not afraid to hug me, and he is very affectionate. D13, not so much. And we have always been like that, but now she pushes me away. She is hard-core.

She is hilarious and well-rounded. But I worry. At least she tells me things about their communication. But really, she does not like to talk about xh. At all.

S17 went to movies w xh last night. It went well... movie and straight home. I wonder if hww has a tight leash? Oh well.. not my deal. S17 said xh didn't even mention senior day and not walking out with us.

His loss. Again.

[AJM]

Mighty, I suggest you keep a loose hold on your daughter. Why? Because she is likely angry at the situation. She'll need to let that out, ya know? Give her the space, but don't be too far away or less of a parent, right?

If I was your daughter (weird thought I know ) I would be p.o.'d to high heaven. At both of you. I'd want to scream. At both of you. Not that it's rational, just that I'd be really angry at what you did to MY life and having to deal with it still, during MY time

Just sayin'

AJ

[Mighty]

Oh, man, AJ. I know. It's tough. We have a great r, but you know, I get the 13-yr-old stuff too. It's funny because I have seen her act protective over me. I hadn't really thought about it the way you are describing. It's not like I've played the victim; I have apologized to them for what they are experiencing. Is that what you mean? Like, being accountable for my part in the r?

The kids have expressed that they know I was here and that it was all so unexpected- for all of us. D13 seems really upset with xh, to say the least.

She has shown NO interest in hww. Her very good friend knows her and told d13 how pretty hww is. D13 has never seen her and said, "Don't worry, Mom. You are much prettier."

I don't want her to feel like she has to protect me. I don't know. I'm confused by it. I know when I was her age and my parents were d, I was fully aware that my dad was an alcoholic and chose that over his family and job. But I took it out on my mom. Is that what you mean?

I am just trying to clarify, because I am really worried about it.

[uRworthy]

Mighty, I used to say that I wish I didnt have to learn what I did in the way it played out, but, then it would have been a different journey. So, I dont say that anymore. I am forever grateful.

A daughter at 13 is a rollercoaster ride in the best of circumstances. Throw in all this crap and strap yourself in...

Like my bud, AJ wrote..she is angry...she is also confused and hurt and has hormones raging.

Here's what I decided for me when I was going through this along with my son. I would cause no harm to the relationship he forged with his dad. No comments from me, no eye rolling, no disrespectful words, no getting involved in it all.

Be consistent in your words and actions. Keep communication open, but, give her space. Try really hard not to take it personally.

Your best gift to her is getting yourself good and strong. You have an amazing opportunity to show her how to navigate through life's tough parts with dignity and grace. What an amazing thing to be able to do.

[Mighty]

Thanks, uR. I know she is dealing with a lot. That's what has worried me the most, because she is doing so well! But I see the small things, the hardening, that no one else would. Even her dad.

I do take the high road with their r. And you are right; it does feel really good. D said something rude about her dad today as I was walking out of the room, but I did turn around and tell her not to talk like that.

Even though I listen to her vent about her dad, which is very seldom, because she really acts like he does not exist, I don't let her say disrespectful things. It does feel good to take the high road. Even though I cut loose when the kids aren't around.

I don't really bring xh up with her (or s17) because they get really irritated. When I do talk about him, I tell them stories they'd want to hear. Funny things we've experienced and things like that. Good memories. They do like that.

But they don't like to talk about his current sitch. I don't blame them.

I am just not sure exactly what I should do for her. S17 is in counseling. D13 says she would never go and if I made her she would just sit there and not say anything. But she keeps it all in. She is a really good girl. Very down to earth. Every one loves her. I just hope I am doing right by her. I pray that I am.