It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[fthnluv]

So, I texted H about changing the date for D4's birthday this morning. He called this afternoon and we talked for about an hour and lots was said. I'm going to write much of it down, if for no other reason than journaling.

H admitted that the date is not the issue. He does not want to be at a birthday party facing our families with this decision. I begged him to reconsider as it means so much to his little Daddy's girl. I explained that I would tell my family to be on their best behavior with H and that if they are not they would be the ones to leave as it is most important, for the kids, that we do these things together, amicably and as friends one day. He agreed with that but stated that I could not control people and he didn't want to deal with their barbs and I told him that so many people (including me) say we would die for our kids and that taking a barb here or there is nowhere close to that. He stated "I do take barbs, every day, from myself, the hardest one to hear them from" to which I responded that those are his conscience or God talking to him because he knows in his heart that this is the wrong decision.

I told him to let me know for sure ASAP because I may need to talk to my family before the party if he will be here and asked him how he wanted me to explain his absence if he does not come. H stated that I could either tell them that he had to work or that I could tell them that we are D'ing. I told him that I will not lie for him and that if I am forced to tell his family of his decision I will tell them that we are separated and H has filed for divorce and that I do not want one and ask them to pray for us. If asked more about it I plan to simply say "H says he has been unhappy for a long time, I did not know that, he thinks he will be happier apart and living in PA". I told H that I have no intention of telling people about OW as I do not want to make him look bad and make it harder for him to return one day. He didn't argue or agree with my statement and is slightly reconsidering coming to her party.

We also discussed what he wants to do when he does come to see the kids as he raised the concern that he does not want to stay at our home or spend time with me. I told him that I would never keep the kids away from him but that it really seems too early to take them away from me and leave me alone. His wishes (both prior to now and still expressed for the future) were for us to function as a family when he was in town as much as possible (his words were "I don't see my time at home looking much different than it has for the last 6 months" when we were still together and going through M counseling) and him completely changing that to traditional visitation hurts a lot. I realize that I will likely have to allow that one day, and, frankly, even if he chooses it this time I will have to allow it but it hurts. I told him that the only reason to do it the other way is to save H's feelings alone, it is not in the best interest of our kids, and that if he continually puts his feelings above his kids best interests I will have to look at the way I deal with him in other areas keeping this fact in mind. If he puts himself above the kids always why would I think he would do any differently when it comes to financial or other matters?

He also told me that he does not like to see me or talk to me on the phone because it hurts him and me too much. I told him that it hurts me too, especially when I want him so badly and he does not want me and that I am jealous that he has OW to provide him love and comfort while I am all alone in mine. He says this is one of the main reasons he does not want to do the whole "act like a family as we always have" routine, that would require him spending time with me. I'm sure that that is part of the reason I DO want to do it. I guess I keep thinking that if he sees that I am the person he always wanted me to be (or even better) that he will recommit to our family. I hate to admit that but I know it's true. He asked how long we would need to act that way and I told him that we would need to take that as it comes. I guess there is a difference between still doing holidays and birthdays together and making each visitation a family affair. I guess I am asking too much of that. I'm just not ready to be left behind.

At one point I told him that he is not being the kind of man who I want to be the father figure in my kids life, right now. His character and selfishness is not the kind of role model I want for them. I later apologized for that and told him that although I disagree with the choices he is making now and the selfishness he is displaying, I truly believe that the man I loved for 23 years is still in his heart and that THAT man IS the man I want to be the father for my kids.

He told me that he was surprised that I am not letting go of him. I asked him why he would say that, as, as late as Valentine's Day of this year in his card to me he was thanking me "for being the fighter that you are" why would he think I would give up now? He stated that I had told him that if he cannot be the father to my kids that they needed I would find someone who would (I did tell him this in an argument once, but then thought it through and apologized) and also that I had given him (apparently in another argument) until the end of July to make a decision (I don't remember that) and also that we were fighting all the time. I pointed out that we only fought a lot last year (when he was being a total jerk and I had a migraine that, literally, lasted from June to November) and that this year the ONLY thing we argue about is his commitment to our marriage. He was also surprised that the revelation of OW did not push me over the edge to give up. I told him that that one surprised me too but I stated that I will not give up until God gives me some nudge to do so and that so far God is telling me to hold on. I told him that I was sorry if that bothered him but that He is greater than both of us and that if His plan is for us to go through this for some reason before reconciling He is stronger than either of us and I will continue to do what I feel He is telling me to do.

H told me he has a lot to process from this conversation and would get back to me likely tomorrow night on his final decision about coming to D4's party. I still doubt that he'll come but I am hoping, for both her sake and his.