for the last year I've been grieving the fact that my H gave up on me.
Now... if I turn it around, I have to grieve in a different way. That I'm giving up, that I don't want him. (And, to be clear,I dont want him now, but I mean in the abstract "I don't ever want him again") Acknowledging that he was right-- that the R has no hope-- is something I haven't allowed myself to do. And its like everyone in the world-- his family and friends, my family and friends-- have acknowledged and accepted that this is done.. everyone except me. Some days I feel like such a deluded fool. I mean, even if it ever came to that, could I really go back into his extended family-- the family that has essentially pretended I don't exist for the last year? Where the only ones to reach out a kind word were his mom and SIL? Like, not even a "I'm so sorry this happened, and I hope you are doing ok".
Or his friends' wives who were there for me at the beginning but have mostly (except for one couple) gone up in smoke, and whom I have not seen in months.
There's a lot of people I'd have to forgive and forget aside from my H. I dont know if I can do that.
But man, my head is taking me to some crazy places tonight. Time to go out for a drink with a friend...
