Hey, my friend. I am so sorry you have found this out.
First of all, you do not have to decide anything today. If fact, it's best if you don't. You are reeling. You're dealing with a lot of other stuff. Just let this sit for right now.
It is all a part of this. I know your head knows that. Your heart, on the other hand, is hurting.
Getting rid of the marriage didnt work, the first ow didnt, this is next. Still bandaids as long as he doesnt look within.
As far as how long you can take this? You just continue to live your life. Get it where you want it to be. Make the decision from a place of strength.
Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it..I am behind you and you will have my support.
But seeing who you are, and getting to know you, I think you may need to see this play out a bit more.
Doesnt mean he isnt responsible for his actions, because he is. It just means that you continue on your path. Putting the focus on you and your children and your job search. Let him blow in the wind.
You do not want to sign papers or make any important decisions when you feel as you do right now, S.
I wish you didnt have to hurt like this. I wish MLC's never happen.
I hope you see how much you have grown and how worthy you are.
This is not a reflection on you. It is his brokenness.
Ok....I get it. It's not about me. It's not disrespecting me as the goal. My feeling is the byproduct of his actions and his need to not feel pain.
I'm over it.
What I really need to do, is more GAL. I gotta get my mind off of this stupid nonsense. I'm thinking of reaching out to some old friends. I just don't want to be in a position to have to talk about my H. At all. Ever.
Thank you, uR. I wish I was further along in being detached, but I know I'm getting there.
You're right. I do not have to decide anything today.
I already know it won't last. I'm not threatened by whoever ow is. He is not even a little bit capable of a real R. With anyone.
I think it's just another reminder of how far off he is from looking within. Is it bad that when I saw him looking so gray and bearded....droopy eyes...a part of me HOPED he was depressed?? Like he wouldn't have enough energy to find another ow? That's terrible. I shouldn't want him to feel worse!
What I want is for him to be closer to the end. Because I want this over and put back together in a better way. And that's just really selfish. He doesn't want that now, and he may never.
I don't want him to suffer at all. But the pain I feel for both of us sometimes is too much.
Ooooohhhh... Shining!! I'm so sorry. I feel for you. But this is about him and his insecurities. He needs someone else to try to validate his worth. It is meaningless.
You are so right to not feel threatened. There is no reason to. She, whomever she is, can't hold a candle to you. He knows that- somewhere in his mixed up, confused, sad cranium.
Let her deal with the sad mess that he is right now. You keep getting stronger and better. You will make it.
I know the hurt, sting, pain, and confusion. It just does not make sense to us. Nor to them. We just wish we could change it. It is such of loss of control over what we thought was our lives. But that is why we have to focus on what we can control, not what we can't.
You have an amazing trip coming up. That may be just what you need. I know it can be hard to fully enjoy things when we have crazy taking up space in our minds. Try to live in the moment and enjoy it. You know that whatever you are doing will be much more enjoyable than what he is doing.
Try not to focus on it, Shining. I know it's hard. But it is meaningless. It's a joke. You are the real deal and that is why you are going to carry on and do you.
Ok....I get it. It's not about me. It's not disrespecting me as the goal. My feeling is the byproduct of his actions and his need to not feel pain.
That...right there ^^^, girl, you good.
Listen, it is going to hurt. How can it not? You love him. You are human.
I wouldnt want to be her for a million dollars. I mean, really. Look at the shell of a man she is with. That just aint gonna turn out well.
We have all felt as you did. Seeing him and thinking for just a moment, that maybe he is feeling it.
Then we realize that doesnt serve us well, right? We want them to be whole one day.
As far as reaching out to old friends? I think its a good idea. I dont think there is anything wrong with saying, if you do, that you dont want to talk about your h. I have. People understood. If they dont, you can decide not to continue.
I think once you get a job and your sons are settled, you will begin to feel better.
I know you got this, S. I also know that its ok to feel how you do. Cut yourself some slack, my friend. Nothing wrong with having a good cry from time to time, ya know?
Thank you, Mighty. Yeah, let her babysit him. I'm good. Really. It washed off. And yeah...your real deal comment? I am!! He knows this. If he wants the real deal, he can do his work and catch up. .
It was tough, because it kinda put me all the way back for a moment, where things were before with ow#1. Him repeating the mantra last week that we just can't be together. Too much harm was done. He tried. Etc.
But, the reality? I don't know anything about his thoughts, his habits, nothing. I DO know for certain, that he can not access his ability to connect with anyone. This is another stepping stone on his path, is all.
It's hard being alone. And knowing he's not........but........he IS. Even with ow there. He's alone. He's busy....but alone.
If he wants the real deal, he can do his work and catch up.
EXACTLY!
Quote:
It was tough, because it kinda put me all the way back for a moment, where things were before
I get that. But you realize that it does not last so long anymore, right. We spin back to feel the sting, but then, because of strength and growth, we know how to move back into our progress.
I am so happy for you (so ironic that I am using that word????)... but I am glad you are able to readjust again and so quickly.
I know exactly what you mean about him being alone. I know. I feel the same about xh.
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