Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. Yes, I think I am ready to do that and also be able to do it with no expectations. I also am doing everything in my power to not initiate any R talk. I feel it's ok to express feelings once in a while, but I don't want to go into "what is the plan? What are we going to do?" Because I honestly don't think we are anywhere near knowing the answer to that.

The bottom line is, I love my H. I want to grow old with him, that hasn't changed. So do I stomp my feet and risk losing almost 15 years of what we have built because of a really bad rough patch? No. I need to let this ride out on its own. When I look back at how H handled me during my shutdown period, I think he used great DBing tactics. He didn't push, gave me space, never threatened to leave, he was just there. And sure enough I came back. Now obviously it took its toll on him, but now it's my turn to be the lighthouse. With the understanding that he may or may not come back. It has to be his choice and on his timeline.

For the last 14 years, I have always described my H as a very stand up guy. My description was always that he is an honest to goodness good guy. A man you could count on. He never gave me a reason to think he was lying, never was a wandering eye or flirt, always responsible. Almost to a point where I sometimes thought of him as somewhat boring? I know it's horrible. I only say that because before H, I was normally attracted to bad boys or guys that gave me a challenge. Someone I could "fix". H was a relief from all of that. I decided I would take boring over drama anyday.

But I catch myself, creating this monster of H in my head. Actually this sitch has made both of us make monsters out of each other. The accusations we have made to each other have not been good. H has accused me of things that I would never do, and it makes me sad to think of how he sees me now. One comment he said to me really sticks. I had told him that I couldn't put into words how much he and my friend hurt me with there after hours one night of texting. He replied that he can't put into words how much it hurt him that I believed all the things I was making up in my head about him.

I have accused him over and over of lying to me about his whereabouts and having an affair. I don't think I can be blamed for that too much. He is hanging out with all new people, no one I have ever met. S and I are excluded every single time. Late nights, car shows, concerts, weekend in Tahoe, sleeping on people's couches, working late or on weekends. It's all so out of character for him. After a year, I have never found proof of OW. He could be lying, he could be telling the truth. All I know is that it wears on me tremendously. Enough so that I hired a PI that I never went through with. But I have stopped snooping and figure if there is something up, it will eventually come out. Even with getting a life and keeping myself busy, it is always there in my mind. Something just doesn't smell right to me, but Deep deep in my heart I am not convinced it is OW. I don't know what that feeling I have is, but it holds me back from really opening up to H. It keeps me untrusting and suspicious. I am terrified to let down my wall and be loving and friendly to have him only leave home into someone else's arms, to laugh at what a naive dope I am. I am so scared of that. My therapist tells me, he wouldn't be making a fool of me as I worry, he would be making a fool of himself. I try to see it that way. But I'm not quite sure what I can do to ease that fear. I am hoping that maybe by doing some 180's and spending some better quality time while at home, that maybe I can see my H more for who he really is, that man I know so well, and not see him as the alien he has become or the monster I see in my head.

I bought the 5 love languages and am eager to read it as I have heard so many good things about it.