I posted on another site. I did receive lots of helpful comments and I still post there but I thought I'd try this forum too since I've read DR.
The story has many events but I'll try to just give a brief synopsis starting from where my wife and I believe the trouble started.
- Last year I was looking forward to a moving on in career and we were trying for a family. Things were excellent. - I didn't get the job, felt stuck in terms of life goals and disconnected/withdraw. - Wife believed she was pregnant for a month but had miscarriage. She feels I wasn't there for her emotionally. (I can elaborate on that if need be) - Wife starts to fantasise about celebrities and an old flame - She realises the disconnection and gives me the ILYBNILWY bomb in a months later - I take a weekend away to regroup and come back to try working on things - discussion leads to better communication and intimacy, but she'd go hot and cold and I was becoming more reactionary when she'd demand space. - I realised my behaviour when rejected was undoing any potential healing in the relationship so we agree to a bit of time apart - She realises that she has abandonment issues a week in and we talk. After a week's reflection I decide to move back in given her issues and promise to work on self and relationship. - Things going ok after then but the disconnection was expanding and we'd lost the intimacy we had before those few weeks. It became a sexless marriage and all emotional and physical intimacy dropped off. We kept up the honest communication though. - However, I drop a bomb when discussing the start of these problems and say that given how upset I was when we'd previously tried for a child and suspected pregnancies didn't take, I held back my excitement until we knew conclusively that she was pregnant; a test, a missed period, a doctor's confirmation.. anything. But I was rubbish with my word's and it came out that I didn't believe her. I was trying to say that a part of me didn't want to believe until we knew she was pregnant but her understanding was that I didn't trust her and that vindicated her negative feelings. She was hysterical and threw me out for the weekend. - On returning home she said she was done and that I have broken all my marriage vows and committed the worst atrocity within our relationship; my "disbelief" is unforgivable and she cannot trust me ever again. Her friends and family are all against me now and I have only managed to remain in this relationship by requesting we both take it one day at a time and I have endeavoured to become the best I can be and be positive around her.
We still share the same bed, we still embrace and we give each other a peck good morning or good night, but really, she is entirely checked out. She is uncomfortable kissing me beyond a cursory peck and she will not wear her wedding ring. She demanded not to celebrate our wedding anniversary as it makes her upset. She cannot trust me again and has no idea what it would take to regain trust or love. The thought of checking-in to work on things and try to be loving to regain a connection makes her feel sick.
I understand her feelings and I do not invalidate them. I do think though that her feelings might be different if she didn't believe I abandoned her. To my mind I was there for her in my own way and I would have done anything for her if I was aware of how she felt, but she didn't even realise her own hurt because she'd repressed them until it all came spilling out at once when we briefly separated.
I was a fool with my words when I was trying to express my feelings regarding pregnancy. Not a cell in my body had any disbelief when she said she thought she was pregnant and showed all the symptoms but I was wrapped up in my own negativity at the time and I was being guarded in a way. She understands this but seems totally unwilling to accept it. When asked why I'd ruin things by saying a part of me didn't want to believe - I can only say that I've been completely confused when she says that I was cold and withdraw physical affection because that's the last thing I'd ever do. Physical affection, hugs, kisses are my primary love language and I don't recall being distant at the time.
Anyhow, I am not employed in a different location. My job just involves travel for month long periods now and again, so at the moment I am working away for the first time in a year. Ordinarily I live at home and work standard hours at HQ which is 5 mins down the road. So, I'm currently working away and she's requested NC. She wants to move out and divorce but doesn't want to cause pain. She's hoping the space will give her an epiphany to stay or leave.
