As far as H.... What he is thinking/trying/doing.... No one knows. Best guess? (In my best caveman accent)
He mad. He not where he want to be. Plan not turning out. He don't want baby. Ow not so great now. He miss family. He see kids push away. He stuck. He royally f*ck$d.
So he lashes out to release the very emotions with which he can not cope.
So, to him? It's got to be you. He feels bad=must be Might.
Same shid, diff day.
You did great. Don't engage. He's digging for stuff to make him seem like less of a failure....he may very well be the world champion in that. Look at his mess? Who on earth does that?
The star is YOU. Keep your focus there. It's so much more worthy of it.
I, too, would have wanted to send the part you omitted...."GFY".... But you were right to not. ....I guess.
But I think it's time he started communicating to you respectfully. His last text message was obnoxious.
"U can continue to be angry but need to respond when it comes to the kids."
Did you tell him you were angry?
No!
But the next thing you know--you are defending a behavior you weren't engaging in. "I'm not angry..."
Was this how he communicated during your marriage? Did he set the terms of conversations and if you disagreed...it was your burden to disprove his hypothesis?
This type of behavior is extremely dismissive and would make me very, very angry.
I like the way you respond to your ex. But I would love you to start calling him on his obnoxiousness.
For example when he sent the text...
"U can continue to be angry but need to respond when it comes to the kids."
...I wouldn't have said anything about the anger comment until the end of the text. And then I would have said:
"Please note I strongly disliked your comment that I "continue to be angry." I do not understand why this comment was in your text as it appears to serve no purpose but to actually "anger" me. I would strongly appreciate it if you would refrain from engaging in this type of behavior in future text messages. Thank you."
Shining- you are a girl's girl. You have got my back, for sure. You know how to pick me up when I am down, put things into perspective, and help me get some mental stability. I will forever be grateful. It's amazing that we meet people here and they become such an integral part or our journey. Thank you.
Hope- you are right on... again. The few posts you have made to me have had an impact on me. Has he always been that way... well... it's hard to answer, exactly. You know, he kind of goes in and out of things. We had a great friendship. We always bounced things off one another. But then there would be time that it would seem like he would get very insecure and anger would come out. It would be out of left field and very random. So, kind of, yeah, to answer your question. But not always.
I noticed, when we lived in Alaska, that once October would hit, he would go into a sort of depression. It came to my attention because of the long dark winters there. They would have lots of advertisements about depression and getting help throughout the winter, because of the suicide rate. I realized, our first October there, that something was going on. By the next year, I was like, hey, I see a correlation! I brought it to xh's attention, and I think he realized it too. Since then, every Oct-Feb'ish would be the same, even living in NY (not too different from Alaska).
Now, can you guess what month was BD? That's right! October. It will be one month, very soon. (Not to mention the same month xh's nephew was killed in car accident the year before- they were VERY close.)In fact, we used to joke and say xh was n's real dad, bc they looked alike. (He would be 1 year older than hww-- ewww).
I wondered what would become of this October with xh living with her. Now between that and baby soon, I think that is why I am seeing some different behaviors? Donno... not close enough to tell. And WANT the space.
There was communication today via email w/ xh. I did respond cordially- typical short and to the point. Several exchanges re s17. Then he said something about s that was so obnoxious and disgusting (I am not even going to post!). So I answered his question then added, "And really...? Are you serious?"
He knew what I meant. He did not respond. He probably realized (maybe). Then later I sent the update and he just said, "OK".
OMG, if s17 ever saw that... I don't think he would EVER speak to him again!!!!
I am so pi$$ed right now. S17 is trying so hard to push my buttons.
Because of the other night and his shenanigans, he is not allowed to do anything this weekend. So, tonight we were talking and he was *surprised* he couldn't do anything.
Then he got mad and went to his room. He came down a little bit later and said he wanted some garbage I took from him earlier. I said it was trashed.
He was like, well when I turn 18, I'm gonna do what I want. He kept saying things to get under my skin and every time I tried to talk he interrupted me and was being so disrespectful. So I just ended it.
Then he just came down and said "Dad is picking me up." What????
OMG, then xh pulled in and he was gone.
I sent a quick text and said, s17 is mad he cant go out bc xyz happened.
XH responded: ok
Maybe I should communicate more. It will only be to the benefit of s17. He is trying to manipulate the sitch. It is just so hard bc xh is so difficult to communicate with. He is still cra cra and I HATE dealing with him. GGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Mighty, I'm so sorry S17 is giving you a hard time. Clearly, he is having his own hard time.
Xh should not be allowed to scoop S17 up like that. It is completely disrespectful to you, and it teaches a TERRIBLY MISGUIDED lesson to S17. Are there custodial orders that are being violated? I can't remember your agreement. Either way, it's not good for S17 to have that kind of power to be able to call other parent out of rebellion.
I really hope S17 has a healthy outlet for his anger and other feelings. Is he in counseling? Imagine what that must be like for him. He's in HS, a senior...supposed to be the best year...and BAM. Betrayal, lies,humiliation. Same nuke as you, only he doesn't have the maturity and experience of an adult, to sort it out. That has to make him spin. Where does he go with his feelings? Just being a senior and having the pressures of entering adulthood, that alone is stressful. Add to that, your S17 is "half" made of this guy who did these horrible things...that in itself causes confusion.
"If dad did xyz....and I didn't know....did I ever really know dad? Do I love him if I don't know him? Do I hate him? Am I going to do what dad did when I'm M? If dad does bad things, is he bad? Does that make me bad? Should I start acting out and doing bad things? That's what bad people do, after all. So...Is my loyalty with mom or dad....because they are opposite sides. Do I have to pick one?"
No wonder he's losing it. Some self destructive behaviors, yeah?
One thing I would tell my kids about turning 18? Yep, they get to do what they want. Sure can!! Wooohooo!!! They're adults! The beauty of it is they also get to experience the real adult consequences of their actions. And it can be far worse than just being grounded for the weekend. And you can not call daddy to scoop you up in all circumstances, such as jail. House rules are like laws. Grounding is like training wheels for real life consequences. Xh is living real ones.
The manipulating and playing one parent against the other is very common. Here's the thing....it CAN'T pay off. I don't know the answer for your S17. What I do know is that it will keep being used as a tactic to get his way unless it doesn't work. You and H, ideally, would need to be on the same page we this. How possible is that? In MLC with no expectations? Idk.
I'm so glad we can vent here. Be the rock for S17. He'll come around.
Thanks, Shining. You are thinking along the same lines as me. And it's funny, you can tell we have kids the same age, because he actually said, "Dad is gonna 'scoop' me."
Yeah, we have got to be on the same page. Really, I don't mind him being with xh. But when he left he said, "Well I need to talk to someone, and clearly I can't talk to you." OMG!
He is giving me a run for my money.... oooooohhhhh boy!
Yeah, I feel for him for sure. He is trying to use every angle though. He has everyone on guard.. teachers, counselors, parents, grandparents, uncles/aunts... I mean, this well adjusted, smart kid- has really turned upside down. I get it. I don't blame him, but I still need to make sure he is accountable.
I said the same thing to him about being 18. Oh man, its gonna be a reality check for him.!
D13 yelled out (from the bathroom while giving herself a 'makeover'), "Where is b17 going?" I said, "With dad."
She said, "WHY?!"
I said, "Because he is mad."
she said, very sarcastically, "Yeah, like dad will make it better."
she said, very sarcastically, "Yeah, like dad will make it better."
Omg, Might....I LOVE her. How funny! I mean, you can't laugh, but....still. She sounds exactly like my D13. Smart girl.
I'm so glad to hear there are so many people "on guard" for your S! He won't get by with much! It also speaks volumes to the kind of kid he is, and the kind of mom you are to be on top of it.
You seem to have the same approach I usually have with the consequences.... They'll learn the easy way, or they'll learn the hard way.
It's hard to watch them make mistakes. But, best to make them now and learn. (Hopefully). It only gets worse later. Like in their 40s.
It's also encouraging to hear he was always a good, smart kid. He's got a good foundation. He knows right from wrong. He's hurting and acting out, but he will probably find his way back. I pray he gets himself sorted out soon. For all of you!
Hey!!! 5 days from now??? I'm gonna be you-know-where???? (I know, still kinda far from you, but closer. I'll be cold, anyway. . )
SHINING...... OMG..... you make me want to go there! I would totally consider, but I know it is time for you and s. AAaahhhh.... next time????? I may have to make a trip down yonder.
That's what I am so afraid of... s, making these crazy mistakes at 40! I mean, he is totally acting like xh right now! The things he says and stuff! I have to not let it get me super reactive because of that. It's like double-whammy. He is home and fine. XH took him to 7-11 and got him a giant slurpee. Brought xl one for d13, too. Classy. Things are fine. We've already joked. I sent xh a pic of s17's stash. No response.
Well. Whatever. I've got goodness in my life. Blessings. You, Shining, everyone here, job, real friends, my kids with me 24/7. XH has a house of cards. His choice. Deep breaths. Baby steps. Perspective. Prayers. Laughter.
Mighty, I am sorry your son is struggling. My son was 16 when this all happened.
There were times when he would be really angry with me and reach out to his dad. I realized a few things. I was safe. He had no doubt about my unconditional love. His dad, not so much.
They are becoming young adults. Hormones raging. Family breaking apart...a whole lot of crap.
Here is what I want to say. Stay the course. Enforce your boudaries. Do not accept disrepectful behavior but pick your battles.
There were days when my walking into a room annoyed my son. LOL! I kept to my roadmap. He made it through. There are some scars. That's the truth of it. He still hasnt completely found his footing.
But we are very close. He is an amazing young man. I am honored to be his mom.
You do need to try to set some boundaries with your xh. I know he is hard to deal with, but, this is setting a precedent you dont want.
I am not saying he shouldnt reach out to his dad. But bringing him for a freakin slurpee??? Really???
You will get through this. He will be ok. He has you for a mom.
Stay on top of it. Trust me, it will matter one day.
My son has said to me, "Thank you for never giving up on me. I know I was really nasty to you at times, but, I knew you would never leave me. I wasnt sure of that with dad."
I know you will handle this in your wonderful Mighty way.
. )