So Chuck says to stay hopeful. I guess if I can do that, either in a "no expectations" sort of way, or in a "I'll deal with disappointment if I need to" way, I can handle that. I don't want to say, "I can't go through that pain again." Because I'm stronger than that. Life is sure to throw more pain at me somehow. And haven't I learned how strong I really am?
BUT-- I've been considering seriously whether he has a bit of narcissistic personality. ...
Two MC noted his lack of empathy. He has a major problem accepting any type of criticism or blame, and does not apologize well, even when he is so clearly in the wrong.
For ex: when I was 6 months pg, we went to a friend's wedding out of state. Despite the fact that everyone admired how I was being very social-- dancing, etc late at night-- he got very drunk, ignored me by the end of the evening, sat next to a female (single) friend on the bus ride back, and went to the after party w/o me.
Ok. Maybe not soooo terrible (?)
Then, came back to hotel-- I was sleeping. He snores very loudly when he is drunk. I couldn't sleep at all. I sat on the floor of the bathroom crying, I was so desperate to sleep, and considered going to get my own room in the middle of the night.
The next day, rather than acting contrite at all, he was actually mad at me for being grumpy and annoyed with him.
This was a major pattern for us. I started to think I was really crazy, questioning whether I was being manipulated (was I out of line for expecting an apology and some nurturing the next day? He seemed to think so.)
But now I'm seeing it so differently. In a healthy R, a loving H would acknowledge what had happened, and act contrite (honey-- what can i get you to help you feel better? Do you want to lay down and I'll bring you back some lunch? I'm sorry you had such a rough night. How about next weekend you get a massage?"
Something like that.
But there's something wrong with a man who would make his pg wife feel like she had done something wrong in that situation!
I have a bunch of stories like that. They are embarrassing to share because I feel ashamed that I would stay with a man who treated me like that.
Even the way BD happened--
"I'm just not happy" (and not willing to do any work to improve things with you).
"I do so much to try to make you happy and I don't feel loved by you" (never considering the ways he made me feel unloved, or accepting those things when I TOLD him what they were),
"It took me a lot of courage to leave" (do you want a medal for that?)
To be fair, I can take responsibility for acting the victim, too. The new Claire wouldn't just pout, she would a) have gotten herself a new room and left a note; b) told her H what she needed without caring whether he was annoyed; c) booked the massage all by her big girl self. So, I contributed my own dysfunction.
From what I've read, narcissists are not easily changed. Maybe I cut my losses and seek out someone who is capable of healthier relationships. It's scary to put this out there, because I feel like admitting these feelings and anecdotes
Lots to think about these days.
I think I'm handing it over to the universe. I will not let the possibility of R prevent me from doing anything, including meeting new people. His road home is smooth, but long. Maybe my next goal is to start getting ready to meet someone new.
