Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

[MrBond]

You said that you read at least part of DR, correct? If you did, then you would understand what I'm referring to. I'll make this very simple for you. Right now you can't control your W's feelings or actions. You can only correct and control your actions. That is why the number one thing you do in DB is take your mind off of your spouse's actions and just concentrate on your actions.

I don't know if I can be much clearer unless you've read the books. But if you'd prefer to get help from someone else, then good luck.

[1foot2]

I've read DR, yes. I'm aiming the focus on myself now. Believe me when I say I've made a lot of improvements there since the first weeks after BD. I appreciate your insights.

[1foot2]

Did a lot of thinking yesterday and felt myself turn a corner. I need to jot these things down as they are so easy to lose sight of. One improvement I have always needed to make in myself is better mental organization and these events feel like the start of that effort.

My old relationship is dead, it's not coming back. I cannot resent or blame W for sticking the fork in it, I can only aim to see it as a blessing that she did it in, however painful the way she did it was.

If we are getting back together, it will be as a new start. I will be a new person. Whether or not she has addressed her end of things or changed is out of my hands, and it it certainly not something I can focus on now, while she is with OM.

I must no longer focus on her actions as reflective of the future of our M. Our M exists in concept only. She is not doing/acting with our M in mind, so I must also operate on that level.

I am already a changed person from the person I was in the first half of this year. I was floundering, unmotivated, confused. I am still struggling with all of those things, but I see a path out. I need to constructively build that path.

I need goals. My 180s so far have been to get more proactive with personal finance, to start working out regularly and with specific regimented focus (not just futzing around the gym), and to project a new confidence to those around me. I need to continue on all of those.

I need to recognize that I was in a horrible place mentally and I've already successfully taken the first step to fix that. I am seeing IC and back on medication that is working.

I need to be working towards a new, real goal for my career and life. For years, I have thought and thought about being a teacher and/or counselor, or both. I am going to explore options for returning to school (I have a BA) to do that, immediately, and figure out how to make that work for me and my kids financially.

I am going to wake up each day with a clear focus on what needs to be done to accomplish these goals.

I need to quit smoking.

Rather than compartmentalizing my blame/resentment for what W has done, I need to leave it behind. She is hurting. She is scared. I haven't been the right H for her these last few years, even while working my ass off in the illusion that I was. I cannot focus on her actions now. I can only find my new path and stay on it, trusting that once I am further down it, I will be closer to the man she wants. If not, so be it.

[1foot2]

I know I have come across several recommendations for a couple of books and TED talk/inspirational speeches in re: the tasks I set out above, in various threads on this boad. I'm going to go on a search to find those when I get some time tonight.

But if anyone has anything along those lines to recommend, I would be grateful. I'm going to be logging library and bookstore couch hours in the near future.

Solution oriented mental focus strategies, compassionate listening/communication, parenting, career focus, I'm all ears.

[1foot2]

This might coincide with going more dim with W. Not sure how to handle. I've been sneaking in the small gestures but I just don't know if I can anymore. Texted her on the way home saying I wanted to go to the gym before kid bedtime. She responded that she had "planned to study" and could I just go in the morning, which obviously means date with OM. Who can't push back going to a coffee shop for an hour? It's so hard not to let resentment build about this charade, which she feels the need to keep up.

Advice on how to go dim with an in house A? There probably isn't any. I need to summon strength I've never had before.

[MrBond]

"She responded that she had "planned to study" and could I just go in the morning, which obviously means date with OM."

You're mindreading. And in any event, you ASKED her first. She just gave an answer that YOU didn't want to hear. Didn't know she needed your permission to live her life.

[1foot2]

She usually says "that's fine" and leaves later once I'm home for the night. I'm not mind reading. She is clearly using the ruse of studying to mask whatever her actual plans are. It's not an assumption, it's plain to see. The other night she went out to study, took the laptop, and when I opened it up the next day, it was still paused on the movie the kids were watching the previous afternoon. Untouched.

What I struggle with is, do I just focus on me, tune this nonsense out, continuing to put off any discussions of where were at and what we're doing, and what she is paying for while living in our house and otherwise enjoying all the trappings of our normal family life, or do I call for a reality check. I battle it every day.

[1foot2]

Going dim for sure, for a good while. W was no show this morning. Took all kids to school/sitter. They don't even ask where she is, as if this is normal now. Cleaned house last night, tidied my "apartment", did laundry and dishes.

One pressing issue I can't avoid much longer is finances. I'm robbing peter to pay Paul on all of our various bills. She's buying wine, racking up parking tickets and making bed and breakfast reservations. I've so badly wanted to just carry on without her input/assistance but doing it all without her income is getting absurd.

[AWAW]

The DB books obviously, but to get a handle on you as a man and focusing on you I recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Primer. Those are focused on helping you individually and I wish I had read them when I was engaged. You have to literally cut the cord and focus on you in order to truly see what you need to do to improve yourself. It will help you no matter what happens to your M. It's a win/win.

[1foot2]

Right on, thanks!