Wife Still in MLC but has now left #5

[ericmsant2]

Matt

All I can do is keep being there for my D's, both of them

^^^ Yep.

I have a few other observations….

Yes, but she needs to learn she can't get whatever she wants. She needs to learn that she has to ask if BOTH parents are OK with having her dog here.

IMO, your ex has a point. Set aside, the crappiness of the divorce for a second. Continuing to do this for you D; although on some level I understand it, is teaching your D what? Also, consider that although it is not big deal to YOU since you have to drive by, it was a big deal to your ex. Right now, IMO, you are still recovering from the crappy chit your ex did – so the lens with which you view her…still has some anger. I have more comments on your description of how the girls feel…further below.

She then added that it wasn't fair to me and I shouldn't have to worry about stopping and dropping the dog off. OK, it is 5 min's out of my way and I really don't mind as D14 is alone every evening and having her dog makes her feel better but I just didn't say anything.

Good for you for not responding. Once again, IMO, your ex has a point. Now as for your daughter spending evening alone – that is YOUR daughters choice. She has the opportunity to live with YOU – she choose not to. As I have mentioned before, I am still learning how to allow my own kids to learn from their own choices. It is not easy. Look at it through a different lens – Your D want’s to be near her BF. That is your D’s choice. Not yours and not her mothers.

Then W starts in on how D14 is Skyping with the new boyfriend last night and she heard him say "I love you" to her. Now this is bad. They hardly know each other really and I didn't know he was being that way yet.

Definitely something you should talk to your D about. This is a perfect sitch for you to show YOUR daughter what a kick arse parent you are. Just remember, that your daughter will still choose to listen or not to what you say. You are though…planting seeds…that God willing will blossom in the future. Now before you write that YOUR ex should do something as well….lemme ask you…who does Matt control? Matt? Matt’s ex? Matt’s daughter? Keep that in mind.

What she doesn't seem to understand is that D19 doesn't want to live with her mother. Her mom decided to turn one bedroom into an "office" and D14 and D19 would have to stay in the same room. Not only that she is angry at her mom and says she "can't count on her" and would never live with her.

Not your problem and D19 could also live with you if she wanted to. The office into a bed room….although I agree with you….is not anything that you can do or say anything about. I am glad you kept quiet. Matt, one of these days…you are gonna get tired of having these convo’s with your ex. You’ll know you are getting close to being done…when the fact that her mom made a bedroom into an office – does not even effect you. You’d give it no one millisec of space in your head.

I am bothered by the way she is about D14.

I understand a lot of your concern. I do believe though that you are projecting how YOU feel on to your kids. It is understandable – your still hurt and still healing.

Here is a 14 year old who has been through a lot of bad crap in the last year and is trying hard to make the best of her sitch. She earned having her own dog when she was just 10 years old and takes very good care of her. Is it really that bad having another dog there?

When you frame it this way….”is it really that bad…..”, you are missing the fact that your ex and YOU both have boundaries that your D will need to adhere to. If you continue to express to your d that you understand (implying subtly that her mom is blowing this out of proportion)…then you teach your daughter to not respect boundaries. This may work for you now….but in the long run….how does it help your d?

I really don't think W understands one bit all that both our girls are going through because of our M ending.

Yes the girls maybe going through some chit. They have YOU though man! You to be the rock for them. Part of me, seems a little of your projecting here…. Consider this…if the girls were that upset/hurt with mom….they would probably live with you. Be careful here Matt. I feel for this type of thinking……it creates the exact sitch that you want to avoid, which is the girls playing you both against each other.

both of them and at least when with me they can have a stable parent who at least can understand what they are going through is a big stinking pile that neither one of them wanted.

They may not have wanted it…..and neither did you… YOU have to lead them through it…you need to show them how to deal with life – while not…projecting your anger and feelings towards your wife. It isn’t easy Matt and you are really doing very well. It is a process bro….a process.

OK, what do I take from this?

IMO….you take the following….

1 – ex w continues to be batchit crazy – so I need to detach more.
2 – I still focus too much on exw – I need to detach more.
3 – I need to realize that exw and I will parent very differently.
4- I need to allow my kids to figure out exw on their own and in their own time.
5 – I may be, without realizing, creating a dynamic that I do not want in the future.

God Bless,