WAW - no contact, now refuses therapy, file?

[AWAW]

Took a few days off from thinking about everything, the roller coaster over the past few months and all the books/research has been exhausting.

So the weekend away at the beach went great. We had a date night out and a night in where she cooked dinner. Lots of wine and romance. Did some sight seeing and just relaxed together. We brought the dogs too so it was like old times. Really nice. However, on the drive back the guy from her work called and it popped up on the dashboard bluetooth, it bothered me and I failed the test. We got into an argument (she escalated) and I told her I am fine with talking about stuff like this but she always flips out. I've realized lately that this is a major problem in everything - she flips a switch, throws up her wall, and gets angry/cold/mean during conflict instead of being a mature person and talking about things openly. Lots of work to do there. After some silence we both apologized and let it go and ended the night well.

But something doesn't seem right. She says she is committed to working on the marriage but at her pace but she won't elaborate what that means. She's agreed to counseling again but we still haven't booked an appointment (she wants a new therapist since she felt the other was taking my side).
I still have not seen any changes on her part and she doesn't seem overly affectionate or loving right now - it's like she's there but there is a wall up although not as thick as a couple months ago.

She said she was miserable the past two months when she was in WAW mode and has apologized and said she acted too fast but swears there was no A, but admits she has been hanging out with guys (co-worker and a dude that was trying to start a relationship of some sort with her). What a mess. She doesn't understand that it's not appropriate for a married woman to do that especially during a sensitive time like we were in with marriage in the balance. Careless. She tried to introduce these guys into our group of friends and she was greeted with awkwardness, which surprised her....that's the fog! To think our friends wouldn't feel awkward about her bringing guys around while they knew we were going through stuff just shows how she wasn't thinking rationally. I will never understand that. And it is totally disrespectful to me and our M. That said, if I want to move forward at this point I need her to fully disclose (or do ?), forgive, and begin repair via MC. She keeps saying I am insecure and I say hell no to that, I am just sticking to my guns and laying boundaries. If I knew the guy or we had met together that's one thing but I won't tolerate her just going out and meeting guys on her own. I did not sign up for that when we got married or had to deal with it when we were dating. It's a dealbreaker for me.

An interesting thing she said the other day at lunch was that when she moved out she did not think we'd be sitting here one day and having lunch. Meaning, she left to end things - not to take time and repair the M. This was a 2x4 to the head. She said she wasn't being honest to herself or me. So why is she here now? Apparently, my changes played the most important role - getting in shape and detaching made her notice I was slipping away. She could tell I was okay with it. Then, our anniversary happened to be approaching, so that get together set the wheels in motion. Then attending her friends wedding and visiting family made her decide to come back and give it a try. And here we are...how long will this feeling last for her? This is why MC is vital right now. If we don't have any structure I feel like we'll go off the cliff again. I want her to learn the things I have, and I believe MC will be that avenue since she is not keen on reading anything about R.

So as of today she is fully back in the house. Sleeping together. I'm staying busy with gym and making an effort to GAL with more friends so we don't smother each other but still trying to do things together. Finding the right balance is hard! And to be honest, anxiety is at a high level again due to her being back. I was coming to acceptance and moving on then bam, she's back. And now my subconscious has a little fear of going through all this over again, whether it is in a few weeks, few months, or few years. I am now the one that's ambivalent! Especially considering there is a trend now, this being the second time she's just walked out instead of putting in the work.

To be clear, she said she was just very unhappy and wanted to have fun and meet new people, which is why she left. I am guilty of being complacent and believing our marriage was so strong that we just needed to adjust and time would work things out. I now fully understand that will never be the case and all R require constant work. I now see that when I was't feeling the love or attention from W I would shut down myself which would mean we were both withdrawn. I need to take the lead and notice when things are off and do what is needed to get them back on track, clearly I have to initiate since she would rather bottle it up and seek space instead of communicating but hopefully we can work on that. So here I am, she's back and I have a lot of improvements and she doesn't have many. I'm now focused on listening, giving words of affirmation, small acts of service, and physical touch. I am even throwing in small gifts here and there. All stuff I slowly neglected over the course of a year due to job/relocation stress. And, I personally feel great physically and getting there mentally after months of chaos. Just wish I could see more from her. I can tell this will not be easy and there's a lot of work to do.

Will read DR soon, but I am still reading a couple others. I've read more books in the last 3 months than I've read in 5 years. Enlightened though.

Long post...oops.