In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

The DB coached thought the approach was working b/c my W clearly is very hesitant for "more of the same" from me. Going more "dark" could be interpreted as me being like I was before (in my W's view, not interested in our R, not finding her to be attractive, not looking at her the way that I did when we first were married). Letting my W sleep on me could allow us to create a connection, which is especially important since she is pulling back from the OM (a little).

Let's start with what has hurt my situation...
- anytime I do anything controlling or "push my agenda" (my W's words)
- breaking into her phone two times...she HATED this and SPEWED hatred after but that is also how I found out about the OM and proved that I was not crazy
- When I have not given her space (has not happened since the very beginning of this "wonderful" journey)


What do I feel has helped...
- quitting martial arts and spending more time at home
- being more relaxed overall (e.g. after work, having a glass of wine, making dinner, talking)
- Sitting and talking with my W about all topics (including us)
- being a better father (I was also a good father but my kids continue to comment about "new" dad vs. "old" dad
- being less anxious about schedules, money, etc.
- when I pull back, she definitely reacts and gets nicer and tried to cozy up to me, but I think it is because she is afraid of losing me, not because she wants me necessarily
- She reacts positively when I am just nice and kind but give her space
- When I am not eager to be with her to do stuff, which just shows that I am moving forward

Of course none of this has caused her to stop the A and be more transparent with me. Like I said earlier, I know (based on her texts and her significantly less travel to NYC) that she is trying to "cool" it with the OM to some extent. But that still is not ending it with the OM.

When we talked about the D the other day and what I learned from the mediator with whom I met, I told my W that this would the oddest D that they have seen because we likely would be "holding hands" while signing the divorce papers. Then, as she left for work, I walked up, grabbed her, gave her a super passionate kiss (and she kissed back) and then I left for work. I know, this is pursuing...but I wanted her to see that I still found her attractive (one of her complaints) but my actions with the mediators, setting up meetings, asking her for her availability to make these meetings, etc. are showing her that I am moving forward towards a divorce.

so, I am ready for the 2x4s....

in all seriousness, I truly appreciate everyone's feedback and support. I hope some day to be a success story and can repay back the efforts that all of you have put forth.