if I am completely honest, that if I completely detach, pull away and focus on myself if I will lose the love I have for H and I guess that scares me.
FAITH. TRUST.
We tend to be afraid of what we cannot control. Learning to ACCEPT that loss of control is one of the hardest lessons in life – at least IMO. Have you prayed about it? Have you truly let go and let God? Maybe start by truly and really leaving him in God’s hands for now.
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I can't imagine not loving him like I do now and always have but maybe I'm afraid of what that could look like and what that would mean for my wanting to reconcile our M. Maybe I'm afraid that I really won't stand by our vows and do the "for worst" part if I find out who I really am and like myself and don't NEED him anymore?
More FEAR…. What really stood out to me was the use of the word “NEED”… In healthy R’s you should not base being with someone on NEED. It should be a WANT. Think about it….do you really want someone that just pays bills, fixes stuff around the house, give YOU what you NEED only and accepts whatever YOU feel like giving HIM? To me, that is a one sided R. A lot of people come here and the M’s were never really healthy to begin with (I count myself in that group). If you really love him, you can still love him EVEN if he is being a butt head. You may not like him per se.
Trust me, you really WANT someone to WANT you – not NEED you.
So let me ask another question…..
How do YOU FEEL love?
Be as specific as possible. For example, when my fiancé spends the time to listen to me about what is going on my life, when she stops what she is doing and pays attention – we’ll then to me…I feel love.
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I am a bit controlling and a fixer by nature, so this is a hard lesson I am learning.
A lot of people are. It really is a b*tch to try and change the behavior. It can be done though. It really can. Are you ready to do what it takes to change it. Change it for YOU not for YOUR H.
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Not that he shouldn't have his own free will, I'm just not used to us not being (as far as I could tell) on the same page.
IMO, a good marriage is about sharing control. About passing control back and forth with each other. It flows…like water. Accepting that both parties will change, will grow – not always at the same time. I also believe that you can have a good marriage and still get D’d. Yep, I know this is a divorce busting web site and I personally do not agree with divorce; however, I have learned to accept that everyone has a God given right to live the way THEY choose to. So instead of trying to control them/it, I accept that people do things, say things….that I may not agree with. I also give thanks for what I have TODAY – for tomorrow I may not be here.
An older poster who I have a great deal of respect for once said to me…….
Some people will be in your life forever, some will be there for a season…or even sometimes for several seasons….. accepting and enjoying what you do have, while you have and also giving people the freedom to be who they want to be…..that is the key.
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most people would be surprised that I do not really know who I am
I’m not. It is a journey fthnluv…really a journey…no different than your M or your R with God. It takes time. Right now…this is YOUR time.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
