Yes, I agree that sometimes you just have to throw something out there. I suppose I could have done it better, time-wise, or with less emotion (which I don't think he picked up on, but I was teary while I was writing.)
I find myself back on the roller-coaster again. GUBU has been vague and manipulative again, just little piddly things.
Some things are starting to affect my PMA...
His immediate superior just quit, leaving him unprotected from the corporate sharks, he's feeling a bit vulnerable. He did call to talk to me about it, that his schedule would change due to this. I was very supportive about anything he needed.
He mentioned--TWICE--about taking some oddball job that would be a lot like the work he did back when we first met. (No glory, no power, no money, no bennies, crazy hours, okay....)
I guess this is part of the process. He has defined himself in recent years by being Mr. Big Shot. But clearly there is a big part of him that just wants things to be the way they were.
Totally understandable. Of course, the reality is that back then we lived in dumpy apartments and struggled every day to make ends meet, had no health insurance, no retirement benefits. I don't think he's thinking this way at all... just wanting to recapture his care-free days. I guess "no wife" figures into that picture as well.
He has continued with his therapy, seems less depressed, but some things still get my knickers in a twist:
I saw our joint credit card bill and there was a restaurant charge for $97.00 at a new place that is not by work, and for a day when he was vague about not being here that evening. It was not the kind of place/location where he would treat his employees to a beer after work. So I jumped to the conclusion that he was on a "date" And that it must have been a really GREAT date with someone he's known for A LONG TIME, because you don't spend that much money on a "meet and greet to see who we are" type date.
Of course, it could have been a lunch/dinner with his friend who just quit, taking a few staff members out to lunch at a satellite location... who knows.
But it bothered me. Still does. I think of the last few years when he didn't even mention my birthday, forget taking me out for dinner! I can't remember the last time he took ME out for a nice meal. The last affection/attention/money he has spent has been on his OW and now whoever this might be. I on the other hand, have had nothing from anyone. And yet he feels the need to point out how I should thank him for all the great times I'm having. Gosh, that stings...
The idea that he might be doing this for some woman he is trying to woo really hurts. I am trying not to think about it. It might not be the case. And if it is, there is nothing I can do about it, other than to feel like crap. So--change the thoughts, change the feelings.
I could use some guidance about is how to draw this boundary without letting him think I am snooping or trying to control him:
I am willing to cover for work and dr. appointments. I am NOT willing to pick up the slack so he can go on "dates". If that is what he is doing, then he is taking advantage of me. (Spending money on other women that he harps on me for spending on my Farm Boy Toy for helping with work that he won't help me to do.)
How do I set this down?
And the other one is, he keeps trying to pin me down on when I'm leaving and when I'm returning if he is going to spend the night here--on the couch.
It is really starting to tick me off big time and I feel I'm ready to explode the next time he does it.
He doesn't ask where/who I'll be with, which is fine, but he clearly wants to know FOR SURE that I WILL NOT BE AROUND on these evenings.
I can't think of one healthy reason WHY he would need to know what time I will return. He is fine being around me doing all sorts of things, so whatever it is that he is doing in the evenings in my absence is something he doesn't want me "interrupting".
I know he will not have anyone here because it's such a pit. It certainly wouldn't impress anyone if that's what he was trying to do. It looks like HIS WIFE lives here in chaos because he hasn't fixed anything.
Yet, I feel this is NOT just hanging out with the dogs and watching TV. On the same credit card statement, I see he has been using the card to buy what looks like a bottle of hard liquor every 2-3 days, in addition to beer which I do see him drink . In addition to having drinks at a few bars close to where he works.
This is so unhealthy and has me concerned, but what can I do or say? Not a whole heck of a lot.
I feel I might be enabling him to do things in MY HOUSE which are hurtful to me, and I do not want to allow that.
What "things"? Accessing porn, drinking to excess, texting/online chatting with OWs, sexting, setting up dates, talking about me behind my back to them as he did with his OW...and all the while being secretive about it, like I'm the bad guy for not being "okay" with it.
Well, I'm NOT OK with it. If that's what he wants to do, he can do it somewhere else.
I don't know how to broach this one, either without putting him on the defensive and setting us back.
I want him to NOT do any of these things because he DOESN'T WANT TO. Because he would do it willingly FOR ME. Because it hurts me.
I am sure this is asking way, way too much....
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
