It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[fthnluv]

Thanks Eric. You are so right about looking at all people as teachers. I guess I hadn't really thought it through but the bottom line is that we do learn from everyone we encounter, in some way or another, as you said. Thanks for the perspective.

My initial reaction is….do you remember what Cadet posted on your page when you first joined?

“you have been given the gift of TIME” ….use it wisely.

Right now, you have the time to figure out who YOU really want to be. It really is a gift, if you see it as such (i.e. “change how you look at things”).

Yes, I do remember that and it sunk in very deeply. In fact, I just quoted that exact comment to my girlfriend yesterday while talking. I just need to start actually DOING it. That is, using this time wisely. I think once I start I will also begin the healing process that will help me get to the point I need to be for myself AND for any R that may happen in the future, with whoever God leads me to. I do find myself wondering, if I am completely honest, that if I completely detach, pull away and focus on myself if I will lose the love I have for H and I guess that scares me. I can't imagine not loving him like I do now and always have but maybe I'm afraid of what that could look like and what that would mean for my wanting to reconcile our M. Maybe I'm afraid that I really won't stand by our vows and do the "for worst" part if I find out who I really am and like myself and don't NEED him anymore? Just some thoughts.

First though…comes to hard part….accepting that the only person you can control is YOU.

So true. I am a bit controlling and a fixer by nature, so this is a hard lesson I am learning. H had always been a "go along to get along" kind of person so him not doing what I want him to do is new for me. Not that he shouldn't have his own free will, I'm just not used to us not being (as far as I could tell) on the same page.

You are also right about many of my goals being about my kids and me as a Mom. I guess I can't quite separate myself from the Mom person as who I am on my own yet. I will work on that because, yes, I deserve to take care of just ME and my own mental health and who I want to be, outside of my kids and others and H. Thank you for pointing that out. I never looked at it that way before. I truly appreciate your wise words, Eric, they make me really think and change my focus. I just love the support on this board!

Once you find that women, once you fall in love with that women…….ohhhh……..life gets really good.

I'm really looking forward to that. I have been blessed in many ways and most people would be surprised that I do not really know who I am and certainly do not love her (yet) so I guess I really need to look at this as a journey, not only one that H has to go on, on his own, but that I MUST go on as well in order to be who I want to be and who I need to be to be a whole person on my own, worthy of love that is given to me.