On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

The last few days have been eventful. I found more notes that my wife had written in preparation for her IC session. She stated that even though her A ended over 4 months ago, she is "still not over him". "Would still meet him". "he is still influencing her lack of feelings for me" She also made reference to the fact that she regrets not talking to a man who approached her a couple of weeks ago when she was out with her friends. I know that spying is a no-no and I am not proud about my lack of discipline. However, when faced with the trauma of infidelity and the uncertainty of limbo, the urge to know the truth is overwhelming at times. I know it shows weakness which is not attractive at all. It applies pressure which is the kiss of death. But for me it's not about saving the M at all costs. It's about saving the M if it is the right thing to do and IF it can be saved.

So, she is still pining for her ap. The only reason she is not with him is because he does not want to be with her. This is a tough pill to swallow. I was under the assumption that she was adhering to NC but is it really NC when she would be with him if he would have her? I say no. After almost 5 months she is still hung up on OM. In addition, she has made it known that she is looking to "make new friends" by going out and partying.

She tells me that she wants time to process her feelings. That she needs space (at least a month of me totally leaving her alone) so that she can think. I told her that I know how she feels about OM and that her actions show me that I am plan B, at best. I told her that this situation is not working for me either and we both have a lot of thinking to do. She has been looking for a place to live but I know that she is hesitant to leave our home. Not because of me but because of fear of the unknown and the impact it would have on our D13.

So much damage has been done. Her bringing him into our home, twice, to have sex is something that I will never fully recover from. Those acts say a lot about her level of disregard for me, our M, our home and our family. TWICE! What kind of person does that? And then tells her son's 20 year old GF about it while on a drinking binge?! And now to see that she would still meet him..

I don't want to be divorced but living like this is not an option. I feel like a total doormat. Even she said to me yesterday, "I can't believe that you are still here" and "It would make me happy if you found someone else". Then an hour later she said that "she has not made any decisions and does not know what she wants." None of my family or friends think that this M can be saved. My w does not believe it either.

My plan is to have my attorney start the process of ending our M through a dissolution. I will stay away from her and allow my attorney to do her job.