Depressed WAW, digging in, learning about myself

[Card29]

If I fall out of love with her, it's definitely over.

Seriously, Card? Isn't that why you are here to begin with? You got the ILYBNILWY speech? But you are here because you believe that she could be in love with you again, or that love is a choice not a feeling, or......why exactly? What rule are you applying to her but not yourself? Don't be upset with me, that's a sincere question.

Nitty has it right. I'm just saying that if I continue with this weird friendzone thing we're in, where the majority of the time she is cold and almost acts mad at me even though I have really done nothing to anger her, even before BD, then my love for her is going to fade just like hers faded for me, and then our M will be essentially over. So I'm going to pull back even harder to preserve any chance for our M and also for me to be happier.

Before BD I was trying to be a great H, but I was ignorant to EN's, LL's, etc. I totally understand why she fell out of love with me. I went through the same thing with her 4 years ago and came back more in love than ever. Seen through the lens of EN and LL, I fully understand how that happened. Love is not a choice or magic, it is a reaction. I understand how and why she feels the way she does, I just don't understand her actions. I am giving her all the space she wants, yet she has become very shady and dodgy like she doesn't trust me.

I still don't want to shut her out if she wants to meet up, which she does every couple of weeks. But me sending her pics and updates of D2, etc, I think I am going to hold off on that stuff for at least a couple of weeks.

Nitty, Ive been doing pretty well with GAL but injuries and weather lately have shut a lot of my existing GALs down. I have been doing a salsa class for 1-1/2 months now, and it is the coolest thing. I would love to do it with W someday, but it is all for me now. And I would continue to do it even if she files. Although if you read earlier, that has thrown a little wrench into everything as the super attractive instructor has been more and more flirty. But I'm not contacting her outside of class, so it's not affecting me too much.

I do have an art project lined up that I need to start (pumpkin decoration for a contest at work). I have been contemplating an art or cooking class. I also have been thinking about restarting a volunteer commitment I used to do. I wi definitely pick one of the two. There is also a running club that runs a 5K every Wednesday then hangs out afterwards. Might start joining them when I don't have D2