MrBond: DB'g post-D 1) Can/could/should I attempt to reach agreement with my W regarding exposure of my children to OM? I recall seeing mixed results here on the boards when this is attempted.
Now or post-divorce? Does he have police record? What would your goal be in doing that?
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2) She is super-protective of her phone, is most likely texting him on the reg. I am ignoring it, haven't mentioned him or the EA since last Tuesday. But it's messing with my PMA - her whole body language changes enough for me to suspect that is what she is doing w/o MR. Any tips on how to power through that (other than, toughen up!) So far, I've just been focusing my time on the kids and treating her like a neighbor. I know, 2 more weeks is all I'll have her here. I should try to enjoy it, strange as that seems.
You've probably heard this before but the only way through it, is through it. Some days will be good, some days will be not so good. You're in charge of your PMA. Start and end your day with a gratitude list. (What is MR?)
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4) The future: What, in your experience, has been the most successful approach when XW is friendly and cooperative in matters concerning the children, and appears to be enjoying her new life? Cordial? Brief? Nonchalant? Clearly, going forward, GAL activities by myself and with the children are for me, but should shine through to her. If I have an accomplishment (complete a sprint Triathlon, climb a tough peak), should I share if/when she asks "How are you doing?"
Friendly neighbor
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5) I intend to severely limit calling her directly, texting child care details as necessity warrants. Is this good practice?. I am providing a mobile phone for my children so they can call me or I can call them (with limits to be established.)
Sounds good. You should have no reason for contact other than the children, right?
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6) Finally, how do I communicate that I am leaving the road home paved and smooth? Does that come later if she shows an unusual level of interest in what I'm doing, how it's going in my life? She told me once, in late Aug, that even if she changed her mind in the future, she was afraid my pride would prevent me from giving us a chance. I don't want her to think I feel that way, even as she is now walking out the door.
Actions always speak louder than words, if you become the man you say you're working toward, she can't help but notice.
From what you wrote about your R history in your fist posts here, if your W does have second thoughts it may not be for a very long time. She's going to have to be very assured that your changes are real. So settle in, it's a marathon...
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Now or post-divorce? Does he have police record? What would your goal be in doing that?
You've probably heard this before but the only way through it, is through it. Some days will be good, some days will be not so good. You're in charge of your PMA. Start and end your day with a gratitude list. (What is MR?)
Sounds good. You should have no reason for contact other than the children, right?
Actions always speak louder than words, if you become the man you say you're working toward, she can't help but notice.
From what you wrote about your R history in your fist posts here, if your W does have second thoughts it may not be for a very long time. She's going to have to be very assured that your changes are real. So settle in, it's a marathon...
Now. Post-D, why would she listen to me at all? Or maybe, that is the time. My goal in reaching some agreement is threefold.
1) I checked and checked myself on this. This is reason 1. I don't want my children around another man until they have had ample time to adjust to their new reality. Like, a year. And if her EA is the guy...well, it burns like fire and as many others have mentioned, that will be a truth that will come out eventually.
2) I want to give the R with OM ample time to burn out if it can/will. If she's bringing him around the children, it will be a sign of a much greater commitment. Yes, this is manipulative. But she hasn't been unmarried for more than 1 year and 1 month since she was 21. I want a chance, I'll be honest.
3) OM doesn't have a criminal record, so far as I can tell from cursory searching. His brother, who also works at the gym, may.
Getting through it by getting through it, gotcha. Gratitude list is excellent. Forgiveness through my prayers has been helping, too. MR is mind reading.
I have PLENTY of reasons for wanting contact. But none of them are good, for me, for her, or for DB'n. So keep it friendly and kick butt as a Dad.
labug, I really appreciate you hanging in there for me. My first post was the worst of the stuff over 14 years - none of that really applied to the last couple of years. (Except my increasingly poor reaction to my SSM - I haven't chronicled that here at all because it doesn't really matter right now). I hope you don't think too poorly of me...it wasn't all like that. But even if you do, you've taken the time to help me in spite of my shortcomings, with no expectation of help in return. You are a woman of immense grace.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
2) I want to give the R with OM ample time to burn out if it can/will. If she's bringing him around the children, it will be a sign of a much greater commitment. Yes, this is manipulative. But she hasn't been unmarried for more than 1 year and 1 month since she was 21. I want a chance, I'll be honest.
From my own direct experience, it doesn't always signify commitment per se. My mother was a former WAW who married the OM. Guess what happened? Their marriage lasted less than two years. Go figure.
Let your W and OM experience dealing with the mundane stuff such as wiping snot, dealing with a screaming child, etc, etc. Their bloom is bound to wear out faster this way instead of the illicit affair grabbing quick meetings here and there.
I like wonka's advice! I have so many fantasies of going to OMs house, not to knock him out dawgy-style, but to say hey, you like my W so much, she's your new roommate now!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I like wonka's advice! I have so many fantasies of going to OMs house, not to knock him out dawgy-style, but to say hey, you like my W so much, she's your new roommate now!
Yeah, it's funny. I have a ton of combatives training, and boxed intramurals in college. But she is running to a boxing coach who fought professionally. That kinda negates the urge to pull a dawgy!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I like wonka's advice! I have so many fantasies of going to OMs house, not to knock him out dawgy-style, but to say hey, you like my W so much, she's your new roommate now!
Yeah, it's funny. I have a ton of combatives training, and boxed intramurals in college. But she is running to a boxing coach who fought professionally. That kinda negates the urge to pull a dawgy!
Brass knuckles.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
