It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[ericmsant2]

Fthnluv

I believe I will learn about myself and life through this life lesson I have a hard time attributing it to him as a teacher. To me, a teacher is a person I would look up to and who is knowingly trying to make me better and learn something. I do not think either of these things about H.

DB101 “change how you look at things”…..

IMO, everyone is a teacher of sorts. If you choose, you can learn a lot from just about everyone. You can learn what to do AND what NOT to do. You can learn how to be and also how NOT to be. IMO, I find that when I look or have to deal with people that are difficult – they teach me things….they teach me 1) that I do not want to end up like them 2) they teach me to learn to be more compassionate 3) they teach me that I am the one that controls how I feel.

So maybe…if you look at your H as a teacher, he will teach you things that YOU do not want to do or teach you who….YOU DO NOT WANT to be.

I also found that if you look at people as teachers – it really does help eliminate all of the ugly negative feelings you can have towards someone. Just my 2 cents.

I have been wrestling with the fact that I really do not know who I am, outside of his wife, mother to my kids and lover of God. That being the case, I don't know what my life needs to look like.

My initial reaction is….do you remember what Cadet posted on your page when you first joined?

“you have been given the gift of TIME” ….use it wisely.

Right now, you have the time to figure out who YOU really want to be. It really is a gift, if you see it as such (i.e. “change how you look at things”).

That being the case, I don't know what my life needs to look like.

Need to me sound like a “reaction”….. Have you considered reframing the above…..instead of “need”….use the word “want”. Cause honestly, that is the goal. What is it that YOU (and you alone) WANT you your life to look like. This is YOUR life Fthnluv….you can choose to change how it looks, how you want it to be. First though…comes to hard part….accepting that the only person you can control is YOU.

Lemme show you something….

Throw an amazing birthday party for D4 as I always do, and try not to worry about whether or not H will attend and how to deal with the R questions that will inevitably come up from all sides of the family.

This ^^^ is not about YOU – it is about D4. Yes you may enjoy it and yes I suspect you feel great when you do it. It still is not about fthnluv the women – it is about fthnluv the mom. A big difference.

Be an awesome Mom to my kids and deepen and strengthen my bond in long-lasting ways with each of them.

This is another fthnluv the “MOM” goal.

Get some Christmas shopping done so that I already have a holiday to look forward to.

I suspect that this shopping is probably for family, kids, friends… or is it….fthnluv is gonna go shopping for HERSELF and get a nice pair of heels that are affordable but something that SHE wants for herself.

Continue with my bible study and deepen my relationship with the Lord so that I know I can fully rely on Him and His plan for my life, regardless of if H and I reconcile.

Amen for that! Just remember….IMO, God helps those who help themselves. FTR, I am not questioning or challenging your faith or your R with God – I hope what I wrote did not come across that way.

Continue looking for ways I can reduce my cost of living so that I can survive when H cannot afford to pay me this winter, which I believe will happen at some point.

I think this is a good goal. It may be a bit “reactionary”, which I understand. Even though it is a very good goal…I wonder how much of it is really about you. Now, personally, if reducing your cost of living is so that YOU can achieve the real goals….then this is not a goal. The end state (maybe a vacation weekend for you or a pedi, mani, etc.) is really the goal.

Do my testing and assessment to go back to college as I planned. Get enrolled in an online class or 2 for the next semester that I can.

Now this seems to be about YOU. Kudos to you!

Go out and have some fun at some point with my girlfriends. Just to let loose a little (if I can).

BINGO! “if I can”….believe it or not YOU can. It takes one step…one action…. “Choice” – choose to do it.

I know you are going through a lot, I know that this is not easy and is quite scary. Use this time wisely, use it to learn who fthnluv is. Yes, part of you will be mom, part of you will be employee or boss, part of you will be some ones partner (be it your H or not), part of you will be a daughter, sister, cousin, part of you will be God child….. who though is fthnluv apart from all of that? Once you find that women, once you fall in love with that women…….ohhhh……..life gets really good.

God Bless,
Eric