Since I am becoming such an amazing communicator...
I texted xh this morning after receiving a call from s17's school principal. You know, my text- short and sweet. OK, minus the sweet. Indifferent.
xh: I talked to s17 the other night and he didn't like what I said. He feels that he is an adult and can make his own decisions. I told him when he is living with you that he doesn't. I'm at a loss and want to do whatever is needed to get s17 back on track. I am well aware of what my actions have created. He is traveling down the wrong road at a fast pace.
(Traveling down the wrong road at a fast pace.... sounds like someone else I know, or "somebody that I used to know" Gotye shout-out.)
BUT-WAIT- are we seeing some accountability???!!!!!
Maybe the pressure of the impending baby is becoming increasingly real? There is no stopping this thing. I have thought that it would come before December; we will see.
So we have the text to me the other day with the "I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering I've caused you." And now this?
Mean anything? Donno.
Could be guilt. Could be stress. Could be...I'm gonna keep doing me... and wait and see... what that be... from that crazzzeee...
Mighty .. hats off .. I follow your sitch but have little to add/say as I just am in awe at how you are holding up with it all. I would say that the latest things from him ... I have started to see in my W .. maybe they are poking the head out of the tunnel just a bit, little apology here, looking inward there ... try not to throw the sledge hammer at them in this case, your H has created a TON of damage and I recall reading somewhere how we need to have that path home paved and looking like an option to them ... there will be plenty of work and suffering in the reconciliation phase. I for one need to remember that as ... like I am sure many can relate .. there is a part in us that wants them to suffer for the pain they caused a little bit.
Yeah, some tricky stuff to weed through, for sure. For me, I can't really say there is a path home. However, I would love to forgive (I'm on that path now... don't know how long it is). I also think that sometime in the future I could have a decent r. I mean, not that we would ever be together, or besties, or anything like that. But it is weird. I still care about him and could be cordial, and maybe even have some conversations with him. Really, for the sake of our kids and there will be times we will see each other because of that.
With that said. I know I can never do that as long as he is with hww. It will NEVER happen. EVER.
On another note... I was feeling lucky tonight! (Not getting... never mind)
But I had a feeling.... I was feeling it.... I knew it was going to happen.... AND IT DID!
I won $90 on a 50/50 at d13 game tonight! It was a special event for breast cancer. I had a good time at the game, joking and laughing with other parents. I am feeling my self come sooooo back to the Mighty I dig. It didn't even phase me that xh was there. All sad and quiet looking. Not me baby!
S17 did not come to the game after practice bc he did not want to see xh there. So he came home. When I got here, he was into more stuff and trouble. C'mon, s17. Give me one day!
I can't believe this kid. He is sooooo different. He is having his own MLC.
With that said. "I've got the power!" (Did we discuss that one, Shining?) That's right, folks. I am making moves like you wouldn't believe. In the right direction. Can I get a HE11 YEAH!
Mighty, it made me smile reading about you having a good time at the game. Right on! And congrats on winning some $.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to have any R with him as long as hww is in the picture. I would feel the same way. I believe in karma, and I don’t see any decent future for them. All this new R excitement is going to die eventually and the reality will hit them hard. I can’t remember who posted to you that their R has no foundation. I completely agree.
My son was going through a rebellious stage when he was 17, so I understand. Every time I had a message on my home phone from the school district, I assumed “trouble”. It could not even be related to your sitch and what xh put all of you through. I think it could make the matters worse though. I just keep my fingers crossed for your son, that he would not get himself in some trouble that could have long consequences. You need to be there for him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks guys. First things first...I like what I am reading, Mighty.
Who knows why he wrote those texts? They do that. Have a little mind zap from time to time? It doesnt matter right now. Cuz you are movin on up to where you need to be. Good on you.
You know, when I was going through all of this, I cycled through the feelings. Thought I had let go on one and then there it would be. Ooops, didnt finish it completely and had to work through it some more.
Eventually, though, I remember just saying to myself, "How is all of this serving you? How is holding onto the crap feelings helping you move forward?" Yea, that was a slap of cold water to the face.
That's when I really got to gettin. It's when I said to myself, "You only get this one life (well, maybe there's more but you know what I mean - LOL!) and I will be damnned if I was going to give anymore to a freakin nutzo.
So, I let him the heck gooooooo. Ba bye. See ya when I see ya. Good luck on your journey. I'm on mine. Let me know when you come through this. Til then...Ur is living her life.
You are getting there, Mighty. It's amazing to watch.
As far as he goes...never say never in terms of being able to have a decent relationship one day. In time, she will really not matter. I have a funny story for another time of my OW. Hee hee.
Keep going, sweetie. I am rooting and hollering for ya!
Some advice I recieved on forgiveness ... and you know how advice goes .. its so much easier to give it away than it is to put it in your own tool box and use it yourself sometimes
But, the spin on it was ... you forgive, not forget ... and when you forgive its a choice, YOUR choice, its a choice for you ... not him. You forgive him for you and your sanity, you forgive to release the hold of what he as done to you so YOU can be free of it. Its easier said than done ... but when I realized I was holding on to this anger and frustration it was only affecting ME ... me being angry and hurt as she was with OM in the A did NOTHING to her. So I had to stop and realize ... I had to forgive her for ME. Now .... am I over it completely ... not even, but the sting is not as bad I will tell you that.
Anyways .. looks like you are on your way ... keep going !!
I can't believe it! I just have to laugh at this point. My bathroom, the one that was JUST finished... well.... I came home to see water on the dining room table... again. This time I looked up.... ummm... yeah... that. No friggin way.
I still have this HUGE addition that I am trying to figure out how to finish, and the bathroom which I though was done... well... donno... and the dining room ceiling is now damaged. Jiminy Cricket! PLUS yesterday more shingles blew off the roof of the addition. The one xh said he fix. Not.
Just laugh and breathe. What else can ya do?
My surgery was scheduled today. It will be Thanksgiving week. XH moved out Thanksgiving weekend last year. This year, I get xh's gift which got me surgery; hww got xh's gift which gave her a baby.
Hmmm... something bothersome about the fact that I will be having surgery (because of them) right around the time when they are having a baby. Grrrrrr....
He is trying to bait me, I think. Maybe he is frustrated at his lack of control- in any area of his life, to boot!
I have noticed, though, that it is not really spew anymore. But, I put an end to that months ago. I didn't play along- not in forever. Plus, around April, I told him straight up that I would never listen to that again. I set a firm boundary. Since then, I really only got it through text once. When I reminded him he owed me $.
But he has baited me a couple time. I haven't bitten.
Today he emailed me twice, once telling me s17 was marked absent in classes today and another to tell me d13 is missing assignments (according to online posted attendance/grades).
I didn't see his texts. Then, he sent an email to s17's counselor and cc'd me. I responded and simply said that s17 was in ISS, which is why he was marked absent from classes.
Now, I texted him this info yesterday which is when I got the response about s17 being on the road to trouble and xh being *accountable*(?) for his actions.
And, d13 is not missing any assignments (probably the teacher just hasn't posted yet- or bc d13 was sick today- very sick, my poor babe!) So I did not even respond to that.
I just saw that xh sent a text about an hour ago.
xh: U can continue to be angry but need to respond when it comes to the kids.
OMG, what does he need? I told him about it yesterday, sent him an email today. WTF?!
I wasn't going to respond, but I also don't want to come across as passive-aggressive. I just want to say what needs to be said with minimal contact.
So, I responded with (probably not the best):
me: Nope. Not angry. Didn't see your text until I had already responded to your email- which I already told you about yesterday. And d is not missing assignments. So go f@<K yourself.
Ok, ok, I didn't say the last sentence. BUT I WANTED TO!!
MIGHTY!!! Wtf??? Water now?? Seriously. I'm so glad you're laughing. It does get to the point that things are so ridiculous, it doesn't even hurt. You just have to laugh.
You know what matters. I see that. Stuff is just stuff. The headache of fixing and the reminders of the broken promises, of finishing what was once started... That part succcccks. But you got it out. You're doing so great.
Ugh....the surgery. I can't even imagine. I ache for you, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that....especially because of them.
When I found out about ow, and the fact that they were in MY house. On MY boat. On MY bed. She used MY vanity. I felt so violated. How could he do this to me?? As $hi++y as it is when they sneak off outside the home, it's such a personal invasion, that HIS bad behavior and poor choices should have to enter MY world.
I was so angry. Shaking. I sent snide, sarcastic texts to H so he knew I knew. I didn't even recognize myself. Never never never had I been so (your word) nuked. That isn't who I am, or how I live. But I absolutely unleashed. I pi$$ed right back on that territory, too... Not my best moment. I left a little message on the mirror....in permanent marker.
So, I can only imagine a little from my experience, what you must feel.
What I did, after about 2 months...I decided I didn't want those feelings of "ick" anymore. The things she touched, where they slept, where they ate....nope. I didn't want to go through life avoiding a certain redbox video dispenser because of two fools. And I knew only I could control that.
When H invited me over, I made a point to go into every place I knew they were. Where I had seen her things. Where they ate. I sat on MY bed. I even had sex with H on it. I was not going to let that thought....just a thought....get the best of me.
I took my modder-punkin power back.
Here's the thing, though.....the fact that their terrible choices have now invaded your body....that is such an incomprehensible violation. The physical and emotional pain. Not to mention your time and money. It's nothing less than an assault to your life. That isn't going to just not hurt after one or two venting sessions.
I see you knowing where you want to get to. This stuff you keep getting bombed with, Mighty....it's ok to be angry. No one here would fault you for feeling all of that. Feel it!!!! You deserve to feel angry. Then keep on processing it all the way through to the end. And THEN let it go.
Ok, it is obvious to many here, that you're some kind of "superhuman" ....but I see you going so fast. Take all the time you need to really get through the feelings, Mighty.
I'm also sorry about the timing. I would have made the very connection as you wrote it, if it was me.
Don't give them more of you. The association with Thanksgiving week, only means what you allow it to mean. And they mean nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Jack squat.
It's obvious on this board, you are something special.
Remember who you are. Because they can't take that away from you. Nothing can, Mighty.
