Thank you, Eric! Excellent quote. Time to get to that "becoming" part.
Thanks for stopping by, mleigh. I'm getting caught up on everyone after my scary week.
I just dropped off oldest boys at the airport. They were so silly all day, and in the car there, I was afraid they would not make it past security.....thankfully, they did.
From there I met H at tax office. H has been saying since June that he wanted his name off the boys' car titles, and wanted to transfer to mine. But, it took this long for him to remember/fit it in his schedule/care enough/ whatever. This was his deal, not mine.
He texted me this morning saying he could meet me at the tax office after work today. Dark, darkety- darkness all week. Pretty much NC. I had no idea what I was in for. I had an unsettled feeling.
I was preparing myself to be handed the D-in-a-box papers.
When he got out of his car, no papers. But, I barely recognized him.
2 weeks ago, he looked amazing. Today, his skin was gray again. Low energy. Head down. Eyes droopy and red, as if he hadn't slept. No smile.
As we stood in line, I looked over at him. He tugged at the waist of his pants, as if to show me how big they are on him. I took the bait, and asked if he has lost more weight. He said no, he's just wearing his old clothes again. Ok....I knew that, because I bought those....idk. He was awkward and uncomfortable, that's for sure. Just like he was in jr high. (Yes, I knew him back then.)
He was also sporting a new, full beard. He's never had a full beard as long as I've known him. He always used to have a goatee, then after MLC started, was clean-shaven. Now he's Kenny freakin' Rogers.
He hardly spoke. Stared down at the ground the whole time. I caught him looking at me a time or two, peripheral vision.
After the paperwork was finished, he could not get away from me fast enough. He said he had to run. He looked like he was going to cry.
>sigh<
It was all I could do not to hug him. But he doesn't want that. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me gone, but he doesn't want me near.
It all makes sense now.
I was pleasant, not perky. Kind as usual. Oh....except one thing that I didn't intend to come out the way it may have.... I said I liked his beard.
He looked at me funny. Confused face. I said, "I really do. I mean, you always look good". H said, "well, it's very very gray." (He's always been self conscious about gray hair, which I find sexy).
I reminded him what I think of it, and yeah, it looked sexy. Then I added, "but, the days of you really caring what I think are pretty much gone." I was smiling, because in my head, it was a tongue-in-cheek (feeble) attempt at making the mood lighter.... Backfired.
He gave me kind of an angry face. I didn't exactly expect him to chuckle, I suppose.
Here's the thing.... It's odd that I don't care so much anymore, what I say to him. I'm not nervous anymore. I'm not scared anymore that I'll say one wrong thing and be handed D papers. I'm not scared of the D papers anymore, either. It would sting. But I'll be ok.
No....I'll be more than ok. I'll be great.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I'm excited for my interview tomorrow.
