Bravo, my wife is so beautiful to me that I am in pain just thinking about her being gone from my life - as my wife - forever. I know that for many of us, that pain will diminish, but never pass completely.
That's ok. It means we're human and not some kind of machine.
Embrace your grief, cry it out, scream at the wind. It helps. Don't bottle it up. A friend of mine denied his grief after D for 3 years and it almost killed him.
Find a man who gets it, is a brother to you in spite of your faults, and just let it go. (Actual brothers, especially close ones, aren't a good resource for this exercise, IMHO.)
You will find, as I have, that it is cathartic. Afterwards, you can turn a corner, breathe a bit, and ultimately return to the good PMA you need. Keep on keeping on!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
