What to do with my Picnic now?

[bustingout]

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I posted. I have som updates about H. Me, myself I am good overall. I feel good in general.

With H I feel so anxious. I don't like it. I feel like I am panicking and a side of me I don't like comes out. I wonder if I can really do this.

We had some arguments and also some great times. He has been coming to this country more often, staying at the house (guest bedroom) and staying longer.

About a month ago he said some things that were basically him trying to maintain control but to me seemed more of someone scared of this new situation between us. Like he doesn't see us as a couple rather just co parents living together. Also that he thinks I have expectations that we will be getting back together, while he does not.

That ended in a fight and us agreeing to just let things be. No one knows the future and we cannot read each other's minds. We are both in new territory and are both navigating it for the first time.

Over the past 4 weeks he then has been very inconsiderate of my feelings and very considerate at the same time. He has apologised and even tried to be cute (last week he was arriving to the country and after apologising for being inconsiderate texted :' I hope you can be bribed because I am brining you a new phone'. )

So I have been confused. And more importantly I think I realise that I need to stay on my side of the fence still, be warm and welcoming, but not get caught up in any of his behavioural issues or my fears of the future.

I don't like feeling vulnerable again.

I am so grateful for this opportunity. I can't believe sometimes that it's real. I know my family is lucky... (Thank you God)

Yet I am scared and I didn't think I would be. I felt more stable more confident before this 'coming together ' started. I feel therefore I am always 'serious'. Maybe afraid to just 'be'. Afraid that I will always be the person that annoys him- that he is just putting up with (that's how he made me feel before he left). Someone that he can just leave again.

H knows some of these things. We have had some conversations - and I try and be honest with my feelings about my fears. Especially if he only looks at me as a 'co parent'. What kind of life is that? Is it him just trying to protect himself in these fragile days? Or will I never be a 'woman' to him again?

I understand that he must be having a lot of conflicting and confusing feelings too. How does he come across so assured of himself and in control? Or is that me reverting to looking at him with my fear?

Sometimes it feels like I just really don't matter. No sob story. Really. There has been no apology, no 'I missed you', no reassurances. So that tells me he is not ready. And then I look at his actions and it seems different to his words. We speak well, we spend time together alone (nothing intimate) and as a family. We talk about the future together as a family.

So it seems I am reiterating a lot what I posted before. About fear. And Cadet and Starsky both gave me perfect advice about consistent action and focusing on today.

I need to be consistent in my actions too and not let my fears turn me into an erratic person. So I need to maybe stop thinking about these fears and focus on TODAY.