Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

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Did a lot of thinking yesterday and felt myself turn a corner. I need to jot these things down as they are so easy to lose sight of. One improvement I have always needed to make in myself is better mental organization and these events feel like the start of that effort.

My old relationship is dead, it's not coming back. I cannot resent or blame W for sticking the fork in it, I can only aim to see it as a blessing that she did it in, however painful the way she did it was.

If we are getting back together, it will be as a new start. I will be a new person. Whether or not she has addressed her end of things or changed is out of my hands, and it it certainly not something I can focus on now, while she is with OM.

I must no longer focus on her actions as reflective of the future of our M. Our M exists in concept only. She is not doing/acting with our M in mind, so I must also operate on that level.

I am already a changed person from the person I was in the first half of this year. I was floundering, unmotivated, confused. I am still struggling with all of those things, but I see a path out. I need to constructively build that path.

I need goals. My 180s so far have been to get more proactive with personal finance, to start working out regularly and with specific regimented focus (not just futzing around the gym), and to project a new confidence to those around me. I need to continue on all of those.

I need to recognize that I was in a horrible place mentally and I've already successfully taken the first step to fix that. I am seeing IC and back on medication that is working.

I need to be working towards a new, real goal for my career and life. For years, I have thought and thought about being a teacher and/or counselor, or both. I am going to explore options for returning to school (I have a BA) to do that, immediately, and figure out how to make that work for me and my kids financially.

I am going to wake up each day with a clear focus on what needs to be done to accomplish these goals.

I need to quit smoking.

Rather than compartmentalizing my blame/resentment for what W has done, I need to leave it behind. She is hurting. She is scared. I haven't been the right H for her these last few years, even while working my ass off in the illusion that I was. I cannot focus on her actions now. I can only find my new path and stay on it, trusting that once I am further down it, I will be closer to the man she wants. If not, so be it.