EA then PA with her ex

[25yearsmlc]

Anaru

I'm so sorry you are here, though it's the best place to be, for a lousy reason.

There are some semantics going on here, I think. Starsky and Bond have given you their thoughts and you seem to be in agreement.

So it seems it's a matter of timing.

How long is "enough" for her to resolve whatever it is that is such a thorn in her side? VERSUS "too much time" --at which point you'll feel too many blows to the ego and heart, and your self respect may Not remain intact.

^^ That's a fine line at times, and it shifts and gets blurry, OFTEN.

But you seem pretty aware of all that. I think the Div Busting/Remedy books WILL HELP YOU with this.

Glad you're reading it/them. (BTW, the Div Remedy book is, IMO, simply the 2nd edition of the first Div Busting book.)

The 2nd book is very similar to the first - but the first one, Div Busting, goes into more data about how damaging divorce can be. IF you are on the fence about divorce in general, read that part twice...AND

It's vital that a LB spouse KNOW BEFOREHAND , what the ramifications are of filing at all, versus for a separation (allowed in some states) Or divorce.

Knowledge is power. All I can say other than that is if you can hire a DB coach, DO IT.

They're worth their weight in gold. I had one (a GODSEND if ever there was)
and I had 15 sessions with her over 2 year period.

I did a lot to save the m, including and mostly, working on ME and MY STUFF.
I had some traits that had worsened over the years that needed removal or improvement asap. I had become bitter, and withholding of approval and or affection (did not want to "reward" h for "bad behavior" by BEING KIND!!)

OMG What an idiot I was...did it never occur to me(?) over all those years, that maybe by being kind and loving and warm, I'd be giving him something to miss, not to escape from)

Anyway, of all the many resources I availed myself, if I could only have one ... if only ONE person could have helped me throughout that ordeal (instead of the many here, who did) it would be my DB coach.

She was the lynchpin of our reconciliation and my own work on forgiveness.

I hope you try having a DB coach for even just 1 session (packages of 3 are well worth looking into)

You'd get Very specific targeted advice for YOUR situation and YOU and YOUR spouse.

So Not a one size fits all approach, and easier to grasp the concepts with a coach.

I can't say enough about it. Please consider it.

So I think you're doing right by your long marriage to Not throw it all away for what MIGHT be a weird piece of your w's life - in which she feels compelled to get closure on something SHE THINKS was real, but which has been so idealized over the past 2 decades, just impossibly hard to compete with that imagery.


(It's telling that OM has another "love" in his life as well, so your wife isn't the "ONE who got away", but rather, she's one of many...

I'll post more specifically later as I am on the run. But I see hope in your situation for several reasons that are probably obvious to you now.

Keep on keeping on and YES GAL is best done in ways that get your mind OFF of the spouse.

I did a LOT OF GAL and doing community theater (and later, Stand Up Comedy) helps for several reasons like being FUN and FUNNY and meeting new talented and or hilarious people.

But another part of that^^ is how pre-occupied one has to be, to perform in front of a live audience.

I noticed at the FIRST rehearsal of a dramatic play I was in back then, that I had not thought of h or our situation for 3 hours....a RECORD.

That alone, makes GAL worth it. Never mind the other dozen benefits...

(okay, NOW I really do have to go!)

J- (aka "25")