Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

GGrass, you and I had the same strategy... whenever I knew I'd be seeing H, I'd dress to the nines, act like I had someplace to go. But I'm going to use that line, I think, when we're on a date and it goes south.

Shakspr, thanks for letting me know you're ok with me... I felt pretty bad that I made you feel worse!

wmwb123, here is a couple million words that are flowing out of my brain. Sorry I am so wordy.

My H left me almost two months after BD. We'd been doing MC during that time, but as he never cut it off with OW it was doomed from the start. You should have no expectations, but realize no progress will be made if she is still seeing OW.

I have absolutely no idea why my H asked for reconciliation. I did not start my DB journal here until the end of summer, but I've been journaling at home since early December when I got the BD. In looking through the millions of pages I wrote, I recorded him trying to reconcile a couple of times before, but always on his terms and it never lasting more than a couple of days before he would become hostile, curse and abuse me verbally and drop out of sight again.

In the first six months of our drama, I did try to "woo" him. It did not work at all. I wasn't true to myself, did whatever I thought he wanted of me, whatever it would take to bring him back. EPIC FAIL.

Then a seriously nasty event happened in which even I could see he was not protecting me, in fact, he was hurting me and I was letting him hurt me because I had no boundaries. That was in May, and immediately after the nasty event he insisted I had agreed to an open marriage. I had just read DR and resolved to stick with a boundary I would not let slide like I had every other boundary that had crumbled in the last year: "I will not live in an open marriage."

As he "needed" an open marriage, he announced he would D me.

At that point I decided to really GAL, not just pretend I was GAL to get him back. I worked at no longer focusing on him all the time, not as a method of winning him back but as a way to save my sanity. Somehow I really think that's when he started looking back. The "dropping the rope" metaphor is totally on target. When I stopped pulling at him, perhaps he turned to see why I wasn't pulling anymore.

I started doing things I always wanted to do but H didn't (GAL). Camping, watersports, concerts, local high school and community events, ballroom lessons... I've got a list I'm working my way through. If I couldn't find something to do, I had friends over for dinner and sang and played board games. The point is: be with people and do something fun. I wanted to join a dodgeball league, for example, but my work schedule interfered.

I posted jokes, funny videos, and inspirational messages on FB, but no pix of myself. Instead, my friends posted pix of me hanging out with them. When he'd hint via text that he was curious about what I was doing, I forced myself not to tell him every detail (a 180 for me). I was mysterious and not the open book I've been my entire life.

He started contacting me more but the contact was mostly hostile and always by text. It was difficult and emotionally straining. I cried a lot. I tend to be timid when it comes to confrontation and those months of gritstorms and textkriegs were hell.

I did try to be as attractive as possible whenever I knew there was a chance of seeing me. I spent money on hair "blowouts" until I learned how to do them myself. I wore the outfits he always liked. When we started mediation, I did power poses in the stairwell of the mediator's office. I did tapping.

Then I just began living as if I was getting D no matter what. I just accepted it was going to happen. I told co-workers I was going to get D. I began to plan my life as a D woman. Plans included international travel with a group of friends next year. I even considered teaching English in an Asian country for a couple of months. I began to visualize myself in a world without my H, and it wasn't too bad. The possibilities were huge. It would be a second life. How many people get the chance to live a second life? The good Walter Mitty life, not the bad one?

I was still grieving and in pain, just looking forward. I was still suffering whenever he'd text me in a hostile fashion. Sometimes I couldn't sleep because I was so fearful of the D process, of his reactions to me asking for alimony for example. I still prayed for courage. I put us on every prayer list I could find. At first my prayers begged God to bring him back, but then I asked God to do what was right for both of us, to help me face whatever was coming. I meditated, read books, but I figured D was going to happen.

I kept a list of things I was grateful for and concentrated on how grateful I felt and how good my life is, even without H in it. I made myself look in my mirror in the morning and tell myself how much I loved me, that I loved me like God loved me, like I loved my kids. I tried to feel the love. THIS WAS SO HARD. I did not love me. I think I love me now but looking in the mirror was one of the hardest things to do.

I messed up constantly. I wanted more than anything to show him I was a strong, confident woman, about to be set loose on the world. But I cried through our D mediation sessions. Sometimes I wouldn't validate or affirm him, just slap him (via text) with what I felt. Like him blasting me (via text) for poisoning his career by telling his coworkers about the A. (I never did that--it turns out his A was the talk of the office before even the BD.)

I responded: "Real remorse wears the shame and takes responsibility for the fallout. Fake remorse wants me to protect your image." (I got this from Chumplady. I can never think of good things to say on my own. LOL.) And he stopped texting me that night.

I based all my actions on the research I did on the threads on this forum. I focused on threads of successful reconnection. I concluded that some M will fail even if the LBS is a perfect DBer. But I made sure to note the attitude and actions of those who succeeded. I especially like Starsky's threads (he was ChocolateEyes then). I tried to channel Starsky's attitude. Never got it even 60%, but just trying was, I think, positive for me.

But really, Mr. Gritty trying to come back right now is all his idea. He may run again and I will be hurt. We are fighting terribly this week. TERRIBLY. And only because I am doing what the conflict resolution expert is telling me to do, because I had stopped fighting with H during our M. (If you always fought during your M, your advice from a conflict resolution expert will probably be different.)

Anyway. Each time we fight, I think he will run. So far he is still trying and so am I.

I won't take anything for granted. We are still separated and probably will be for a while. No expectations. I take it one day at a time. On Monday I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt like I lost all the love I had for him and would be happier D.

I looked at the list I made of things I can do if I am D. I look at it and tell myself "I will be okay no matter what. How about I take Lindy Hop lessons during the next adult ed semester!" But I also found my list of goals that I made in April. The first two say, "He will stop threatening D." and "He will stop dating others." When I wrote that, I did not believe it would happen, and now it has. And I was encouraged.

If I were you, I would do my best to turn away from her, to turn instead to your future without her. Treat her as a sister, a good friend you love and are concerned about, but not the center of your world. If she needs something unrelated to leaving you, help her if you have the time and it doesn't hurt you, but do it without expectations. Tell her you wish her well and walk away. Doing this is very, very hard, SO HARD.

During your D, do the bare minimum you need to do to be considered cooperative. In my case, I could've helped Mr. Gritty with his D paperwork, but I did not. I could've moved the D along, but I did not. And he never filled out the forms he needed, never brought in the financial documents he needed to bring. I did not complain. I figured: time is my friend.

My friend Shakespr co-signed a lease on an apartment for his W. I'm so glad I don't have minor children that need housing with the WAS. Shakespr HAD to protect his kids, but if there are no kids, don't co-sign anything for the WAS or help the WAS with moving out or anything else related to leaving you. Always be busy and unavailable to help.

Act as if you look forward to your future with or without her, because your future is gonna be awesome. You're not signing up for online dating, but you ARE and WILL live a good life without her. Because God is awesome and He won't let you down. Everything happens for a reason. This is only part of your story. Who knows how it will end.


PS: I also hired a DB coach because I am no good at strategy. I needed a strategist I could tell everything to and who would say, "Yeah, H was pretty damn nasty. How about we try something different. Let's do this. Let's protect you AND help the M." Instead of someone saying, "He is an emotionally abusive a$$hole! You need to protect yourself! Screw him! Dump his a$$!) I paid for 6 DB sessions, thinking, "well, I am going to get D. It's hopeless. But maybe I can keep the road home paved and clear with a coach's help. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't."