Life has been busy with work for the past couple of months but it is time for an update.
The W and I are piecing and maybe going at it a little fast. Here is what happened the last couple of months.
May – We decided to make a go at it and I took her out on a couple of dates and we started to spend more time together. Things were going well and heated up really fast. We got physical too early, my fault, and had a couple of ups and downs. We were basically dating and enjoying time together and reconnecting without too much R talk.
June – Things were going well for the most part and we continued to reconnect, we had a couple of R talks that were heavy, but we still riding the high of reconnecting.
July – W and kids spent most of the month is Spain and I was to renovate the master bath in my home, the house we shared together. Like any other renovation, there were delays and set-backs and it was not finished before she came back. They returned and our R felt different from when she left, and closer to our previous relationship. She seemed closed and cut off and I was being mister fix-it with the R, which doesn’t help.
If I was smart and recognized it I would have paid someone to finish the bathroom, it would have been a perfect 180. I need to not try and do everything and realize the value of spending money to have more time in my life. I was also trying to keep care of two households and did not do a good job. I got lazy and slightly depressed because I missed my W and kids. When she returned she saw an unfinished bathroom and her house had 3 foot tall weeds in the yard. She was upset and it brought up feelings of our R when it was bad. It scared her and she regressed and lowered her communication between us. We later talked about how things were different and had a health discussion about our piecing and that she was feeling smothered. She also said that I had stopped dating her and I also said that she had done the same. It was a good gut check, even though the talks were uncomfortable.
August – I planned a surprise trip for us out of town and handled all of the planning packing etc, except for her things. We had a great time and it was a lot of fun and brought us closer again. We talked about me needing to spend time away from her again and not staying the nights all the time at her house. Our R at this point was slowly strengthening.
We had a night out and I asked how she felt we were doing. We were both drinking and she went off about how much she loved me when we started our R and how things changed for her and all the hurt and the pain I caused for her. It was rough to hear but I wanted to hear it and I felt she needed to say it to me and let it out. The next morning I felt emotionally hung over and we both felt awkward around each other. We went out and grabbed some coffee and I blurted out “lets go somewhere.” Our kids were with her parents for the night and we were free. Then she started to open up about her fears again about us and that she felt unsure at times about us. I told her that she needed to forgive me and the she had yet to do that. We talked, very emotionally, and ended up splitting out of town for the night and had a great time.
September – More of the two steps forward, one back progress but all was going fairly steady. One night she came home and I was in an awesome mood and had such a great day but it seemed like something was on her mind. When lying in bed that night she says she planned a trip for us but needed to tell me something before we went, she then explained that she was physical twice during our separation. Gut check time… It was a terribly painful talk for the both of us. It hurt, but I had expected it and ready a book and other information of affairs. It did not sway me from being committed from the R, it is just something we have to work through. When the talk was done I felt really connected to her emotionally and instantly move to wanting physical intimacy. This was a mistake and I kind of thought it would be, but emotions kind of took over and I was not exactly thinking correctly.
After the talk the emotional hang over lasted quite a while and I still staying two to three nights a week at my house. This is really our busy time of year so our communication was lower than usual because of our commitments which let me get into my head and feel fearful about our future. The week of the trip she had planned we talked on the Monday and what she was communicating was not sounding hopeful to me, but she was just being honest with her emotions.
We then go on the trip the last weekend in September and have a great time. Feel more and more connected and close and just totally enjoy being around each other. On the trip home she invites me to move in with her and we have spent the last week and a half under the same roof.
It seems like when we are separated from all of the day to day stresses and the pressure of fixing a home to sell and trying to take care of two homes, etc; we are really good together. We are just having trouble bringing that back into our normal lives together. The week before the trip I even went and got information of MC if we think we need it.
We are both on the roller coaster of emotion and I am now starting to understand why piecing is the hardest and where the real work begins. Some days it feels that a team of horses could not pull us apart, other times it feels we are back to where we started. I wasn’t prepared for dealing with the previous feelings and emotions; at times this has been hard. I don’t think she was either. She mentioned that when we talk about things that in the morning she does not feel better, but she thought and hoped she would.
More later…
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
My intuition is telling me that we can make this work, we can be really good together. We are just moving too fast and need to slow down. We both go all in when we do things and we need to watch the pace we are setting.
We had an awkward night on Monday and we talked about it last night. She saw things in me that were there before and fears that things will go back. She fears that as soon as I get comfortable and familiar I will stop doing work and revert back to the old me.
Just days before we were looking into buying property to build a house on when ours sells. So yeah we are moving fast.
I think she is committed to working on us to, but the pain of piecing is hurting. We are both on emotional roller coasters and this month is bad for us with time. She is gone this weekend, I am gone all next week, she is gone the next weekend and we are all busy with work and extra stuff.
At times I feel that we can work through this by talking, at other times I feel we need help of a MC. She even mentioned that we could go after she disclosed the PA.
She revealed to me last night that I look at things as action/reward. For example, we are married for 10 years so you get a new ring, or we cuddled and talked for a while so not I get sex. Things like this. I never knew she felt this way, but I can see her point of view. I do measure things in this way but I never knew how it could make her feel like a project.
I have been slipping up a little bit and trying to be Mr. Fix-it instead of working on me. I need to 180 and do things without any expectation of return.
I also need to improve my listening skills. I let my self get excited riding the high of our R piecing and start to get in my head. I get excited and my ears shut down and I start to get selfish.
When she invited me to move in I asked if she felt we needed MC and she did not feel we needed to.
I think we need to smooth these choppy waters and get back to working on strengthening the relationship. Have more intimate talks about us and the R.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
My H and I aren't in C but I've continued with my IC. There are times when I see the old R rearing it's head and I have to back away and figure me out with the help of IC. If you think you need help, get it. She may decide to, she may not but at least you know you've done all that you can for you and the M.
I think that H and I could benefit from a good MC but my H isn't there yet and so far it's not been a make or break issue.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, I don't know. It depends on the day and how I feel about my emotions. I was pretty strong and constant with my emotions after a couple months of separation. Now I am on the roller coaster again.
I am hoping after a week away my emotions will level out and I will be able to give myself an honest evaluation.
How does one know if they need IC?
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Go, one of my biggest regrets in all of this is not taking up my W's offer to seek MC prior to our S. I looked at C as a sign of failure and embarrassment at the time. However, having been to both IC and MC, I now recognize the benefits.
