In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

Cali, thanks for reading my thread and commenting. I agree that the only path to R is after she ends the A.

I spoke with my DB coach yesterday. I caught her up on the texts that I read, my convos with my wife and that I have decided to pursue a D. She agreed that my W likely is waffling (based on the texts, her decreased time in NYC, etc.) but that she needs to make a decision and get off of the fence. She did suggest that since my W is spending considerably less time with the OM, I should create opportunities to show my W what she will be missing and try to create some emotional connection...fun family events, nice and fun conversations, etc. . But this ONLY works if I continue to pursue a D or else it will just be cake eating. Clearly it does not allow me to detach, but I still am GALing (e.g., I have a guitar lesson tonight, dinner plans tomorrow night and then am gone all weekend visiting my parents).

Here is a "funny" story to share...yesterday, my W and I went to the same yoga class. We drove together b/c I didn't want to come across as controlling or a d*ck. When we got to the class, the instructor said "Here are the Shodans (last name)." And then when we put our mats down, my W had to move to make room for the instructor, so she moved two spaces from me with a woman between us. We were talking about something for the few minutes before class and the woman in the middle said that she wanted to swap places with my wife so she could be next to me. My W switched and when she did, the woman said "I wish my husband and I could take yoga classes together. If he were here, he would not want to be near me." I then whispered to my W "define irony" and she laughed.

I tell this story b/c we really do/did have one of those marriages that was pretty great but unfortunately went sideways. But, as long as she is in an A, I want no part of this M. As I said before, she is in God's hands now. I pray that He softens her heart enough to come back to our family and our M before it is too late and the D is finalized.

[Ahoy]

The yoga story is hilarious, shodan. Glad you can find humor in the situation. It must be hard pursuing a D that you don't really want. But I admire your strength to draw this firm boundary. Some days I wonder if I should initiate a D to force H off the fence. To be honest, I don't know if I want to stay married to someone who could do what he's done to our family, so even if filing meant pushing him away, maybe I'd be okay with that. If it helped open his eyes sooner, and gave us a chance to work on the R, then so be it. But I'm trying to be patient. Especially because I don't have proof of an A, even though all signs point that direction, and he's told me he plans to date.

You sound like you will be fine, no matter what the outcome.

[Starsky309]

I spoke with my DB coach yesterday. I caught her up on the texts that I read, my convos with my wife and that I have decided to pursue a D. She agreed that my W likely is waffling (based on the texts, her decreased time in NYC, etc.) but that she needs to make a decision and get off of the fence. She did suggest that since my W is spending considerably less time with the OM, I should create opportunities to show my W what she will be missing and try to create some emotional connection...fun family events, nice and fun conversations, etc. . But this ONLY works if I continue to pursue a D or else it will just be cake eating.

This would be an odd mix of strategies. At this late hour, I think either you're going to try to "Plan A" her or go hard-core, after-the-LRT "Plan B." To try to do both is only going to mess with your head, detachment-wise.

I do think there are things you can continue to do to show your fun side (your whispered comment at yoga is a perfect example), WHEN the opportunity presents itself. But I wouldn't recommend you pursue or plan those opportunities.

I guess I'll have to agree to disagree with your coach on this one.


Starsky

[Tarheel]

I'm obviously not a vet, but I kind of thought the same thing as Starsky. Seems like an odd approach.

[shodan]

I know. I assumed folks on the forum would object to it.

My pursuit of the D definitely has thrown her off. She has called me at work twice this week (never did that during the past few months) and is being SUPER nice to me, really trying to connect with me. She asked again if I was going to a special yoga class on Friday night (I said I had plans already) and she asked again whether or not she should come with me this weekend to visit my parents (my mom had a severe stroke back in May).

Is your concern that I will be hurt in the end when we get divorced and I have not detached fully from her OR that this approach will not show her that she is losing me? or both?

[Starsky309]

Both.

People value most that which is difficult to obtain. She HAS to feel like she is credibly losing you, if she is going to be motivated to change from her "keep both plates spinning on the sticks" waffling course.


Starsky

[shodan]

One positive thing...we won't see each other much over the next week. I have a guitar lesson tonight, we both are working tomorrow and then I have plans Friday night. I leave super early Saturday and get back super late on Sunday. My W works on Monday, while I have off. I am doing stuff with the kids on Monday and then leave super early Tuesday morning for a business trip, not getting back until late Thursday night. So, we may have 4-5 hrs of time awake when we may be around each other in the next week. I know we both will benefit from this space and time away.

[Anaru]

Reading this thread - seeing many parallels with my own story (fence sitting/waffling W who has had A)- and learning a bunch from it all.
Thanks Shodan (and kind contributors)
The big value for me is the concrete examples of how the DB/DR principles are translated into actions/behaviour I can relate to , with concrete real examples.
Makes it easier for me to learn the changes I need to make for myself.

[shodan]

Just met with the mediator. Man, that is a sobering experience. I sent my W the notes from that meeting (she could not make it). As much as I wish we were not going down this path, unfortunately I have no other options as long as she is in an A.

[shodan]

my W just texted me in response to the email that I sent with my notes from the mediation. She said she is reading it while on a conference call. She asked if she can drive with me on Monday to pick up the kids from her mom's house (my kids are going to my MIL house tomorrow for the long weekend and I am picking them up on Monday...90+ min drive each way).

Need to figure out how respond to the text (or when I see her tonight)...options include:
- "I am not sure what there is to talk about"
- "Sure"...give her a chance to talk but I know we will be in the "can we just slow this down, i am not having an A, I am not sure how i feel about our M, etc."...will just bring up negative issues if we talk
- "let me think about it"