WAW + divorce filed, Becoming-V2 - part 1

[Fartiltre]

Hi B-V2

You do sound good and as I read your posts you seem to be on the right track.

Since you have not been posting for that long I don’t have the full picture! I am not a VET but as you already know I have been here for some time and I have read a lot. I do have a few comments for you:

You seem to be very focused on your W, her actions, sayings and the way you believe she comprehend your interactions - and that is totally normal! I was the world champion of this and almost all LBS does it for some time. IMHO one of the key-issues to DBing is to snap out of this. You have read the “focus on you” sentence probably a million times – now you have to implement it.

(Sandi tried, without any luck I might add, to tell me this when I started here. I believe I “wasted” half a year focusing solely on my W and possible R instead of saving me. Today I believe that the only way to save your R is to start by saving you)

You do want to become the H that nobody would leave but not for your W – it has to be for you. It won’t last if you do this for anybody else – but you. This Ver. 2 of you will take time to design and shape and then some to become.
You have a good starting place at your 180-list and your W certainly gave you a major hint about the lecturing. You are reading R-books and might have gotten more from these. We LBHs seems to be so focused (at first) towards saving the R that we forget the most important thing in all of this: Ourselves!

So my first little advice is that you start changing your readings a little. Try finding books about how to develop you and get inspiration towards being a good and decent human being with a fulfilled way of life. I would suggest Hold on to your N.U.Ts, 7 habits, Psyko Cybernetics, How to win friends and influence people in the digital age as starters (should keep you going for a week or two )

(If you want further understanding about Rs I have had great pleasure in reading “Co-dependent no more” and “his needs, her needs”. Start with the latter.)

It took me at least ½ year to grasp or comprehend this “Focus on you” but when I got started (and went LRT) I took some major steps rather quickly. I started to restore my self-confidence and IMO that might be the single most important thing into all of this.

Second advice is to slow down. Again you seem to be doing what we all do – you want to fix it all NOW….trust me on this one: You can’t! Change is good but radical and fast change sometimes tend to be shallow and chances are that your W just sees this as your way of winning her back and therefore thinks little of it. You want her to think “WTF is going on” but not followed by “what an idiot – does he really believe that this will work….” You want the “too little – to late” not the “to much – to fast”. I got both
Slow down, consider the changes you want to make, think them through, apply time and then do it! If you want to cook, then think it through, start by doing it once or twice a week. If you still like it then increase otherwise discard. Make this way into a habit otherwise you will come out as changing all the time, not steady, not believable, not consistent and you don’t want that – not for possible R and especially not for you!

And then a few Qs:
1/ Why do you want to write the letter?
I did it! Some VETS told me not to and some told me to. There is no clear answer on this issue as I read the VETs. My opinion today is that you shouldn’t write the letter. You have told you W to her face what you want and you have talked about your M so what is the purpose of the letter?
Think it through!

2/ Are you absolutely sure about no OM?
It is rather seldom in here

So in short: Make this about you and do slow down
If your situation is as most you are in for a long ride. Nobody knows where this will take you but if you do the work it will be to a fantastic place and your W just might choose to follow you when you get there.

Nice to have a fellow Scandinavian in here!! I will try to follow your journey and extend advice if I have any!
All the best!!
F