Do I start 180 at this point?

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Sandi. I appreciate your input and advice.

No, she hasn't done this or acted like this before. I will be alert to slipping back. The relationship is a lot better than before but this may be due to the excitement of restarting the romance and may fade at some point. But with learning some better skills reading these suggested books I may keep it from backsliding to where we were.


First, I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I wanted to cover a lot in a short time.

Yes The romance WILL fade at some point. I am not being cynical, I'm just being an adult. The demands of parenting or work will come up, & life comes up and all marriages ebb and flow.
No one can keep up The Infatuation stage forever.

So my question is what skills, specifically, are you working on or trying to gain?

The more specific you are, the easier it is to measure your progress AND, the more specific you are, the clearer your own goals will be.

Make sense?

MrBond. I think I have ample help now and someone else would benefit from your help better than me. Thank you for your interest.

This^^ is a mistake you are making at your peril. It's also baffling to me. And you cannot count on Sandi or me or anyone else volunteering their time to help you when you openly reject a man like Bond.

Bond is a pro marriage advocate, an experienced DBer, and he had success in restoring his marriage; which is not all that common around here.

More important is the reason you'd ignore and resent his questions. I hope you'll reflect on that with some gravity; b/c it is notable.

Bond merely asked you what Sandi and I would ask of you (in time). Actually Sandi did ask similar questions and you didn't get upset, but you also were non specific...Here is what we ask nearly all people who come here...


Such as, "what would your Spouse SAY to her closest friend, if she were to explain WHY she wanted to leave the marriage?"

Your answers seemed to ME, to be skimming the surface... I didn't get a lot of "inner reflection" with the intention of truly digging deep and examining your specific role in this. That's an observation, not an insult.

You need to know it is SO difficult to advise you as to what "180s" to do or how to keep a PMA, or types of GAL, learning to detach, etc. without the books so he's trying to save you time AND get you to where you need to be,

in order to hep You change what you can change, in YOU.

(Btw, those ^^^ terms are in the DB books and you will get a LOT more out of this site once you have read the book(s). (Incidentally, the Div Busting book was published first.
The Div Remedy book (aka "DR") seemed more like a 2nd edition of the Div Busting book, rather than a very different book.

The DR book gives you less "anti divorce" material and more "how to help the marriage" techniques than the first Div Busting book. You decide what you need most, first.

I realize you may have financial problems keeping you from buying either of the books, which is why you are waiting for the library to have them.
So, are financial stresses one of the factors that contributed to this marital crisis?

Do you and your wife both work outside the home, and do you view & handle money the same ways??

If your version of what happened is totally accurate, then your marriage has had a HUGE painful disaster totally avoided --

and ALL b/c you "confronted" her?? Sorry, but like Sandi, I'm afraid you are being played, although she may not even realize it if she is trying to convince herself of something...

So, what did You say that would make her completely reverse the recent remarks she made to the OM? (Wow, that speech sure must have been persuasive...)

My concern is that of the women who have A's and then "snap out of it", the vast majority are truly mortified, filled with remorse, shame and profound regret.

From your description, that is not the case here.
It's unusual for a wife to come back from such an intense sounding affair/fling, without any rancor, AND then for her to want sex with you this often, "post affair",

Showing no sense of loss of the OM is also rare. When you read the DB books you will see this discussed and it's tough to read all that --and not feel as if something is amiss.

Is the amount of lovemaking that you're presently having, just a return to normal for you guys, or is it more than you are used to having?)


Hey I'm really not trying to be a downer, okay? But her affair sounded pretty intense, yet has been totally reversed pretty darn fast.

I know you are concerned too, and that makes sense.

So, you will need to dig deep (they say the "real journey in life is an inward one")
and figure out 2 things.

Figure out as best you can,

1) WTH happened to the marriage, (AND, WTH between you two), that got you guys here?

AND secondly,


2) what are YOU going to do differently, to avoid having this happen again?

I am asking you what YOU are going to do differently (not her)

b/c you only control YOU, and you are the one here, working for your marriage; she's not.


Also, can you give us some background? (Sorry if it was there and I missed it b/c I did look). Here are questions we nearly always want answered, so we can target our resources best.

How long have you been married? Any Children? If so, their ages, Your ages, your backgrounds, your job demands if you are employed, any physical ailments with either of you?

History of depression, and or anxiety in either of you?

Have either of you had any major life event, such as a death or job loss, or health scare, in the past 36 months? How did that affect you/her?

What are the educational similarities/ differences between you?
Do you view and treat financial issues the same way?

What was Your wife's family life like, growing up? And Yours?

What was a your parents marriage like, and what was their communication style?
and last but not least,

how was forgiveness demonstrated in your childhood

and hers?


These^^ will help us help you. (Per Jerry MaGuire )

But if you refuse to answer them, it only makes it harder for us to help you, which btw, we all do on our own dime.

I came here convinced my m was ending soon. So many people tried to help me and about half a dozen totally "got me" and were instrumental in my staying power with this approach. Total strangers helped me stay married. Kind of a beautiful thing even if we had divorced.

I also had 15 DB coaching sessions, with a wonderful DB coach (a real Godsend).

My DB coach was PIVOTAL to our reconciliation.

That was in addition to having a very good MC.

(We've had 3 MC's in the past, all of whom my h disliked or distrusted. He would say that I had "Brainwashed" them b/c they'd tell him things like he was "not acting as if he had a family" or was "being selfish" (yeah, one said that outright!) and another said "you seem to want to live like a Single man"..

All these things ^ I agreed with...even felt vindicated by those remarks...like I had "Won" b/c hey, "I'M RIGHT!"

But then I realized these T's made me also feel powerless. 2 questions always lurked...

1) "If I'm so great, WHY doesn't he love me/us enough to stay? WHY?"

(=the fear is, that "maybe I'm NOT so good or even lovable...")

OR If I am truly faultless ---AND YET my h still wants to leave me,

then what on earth will stop it from happening to me, again and again?

How can I ever feel safe with her/him Anyone?


From that - I learned to rejoice when a counselor told me I had something to work on in ME. It was empowering!

A lot of marriage counselors today recommend going with the "feelings du jours", so if you are unhappy with your commitment, break it, instead of teaching us "how to keep our commitments AND be happy with them....


BTW, I thought you should know Bond is possibly the most requested male veteran around here and as I said, you "fire" him at your peril.

IN truth, I've never witnessed anyone telling him to leave their thread. I think that was a tragic loss on your end which you probably cannot fathom at this time...

Well, in any case, you may want to read his questions to you again - and see where your defensiveness came from....b/c it was there.

OR maybe you didn't realize you were on moderation here. See, (like ME) you may have assumed he had something to do with you not getting more replies??

But it was not a factor at all. It was just the relatively small number of your threads and your newness to the boards.

So, good luck and PLEASE DO give this^^ some attention.

You may have dodged a bullet with your marriage problems, but hey,

why not do all you can to ensure that?

On that note, (again - I apologize for this "tome" but it does cover a lot of parts...

GOOD LUCK!!