Depressed WAW, digging in, learning about myself

[1foot2]

Sorry card. All you can do when those feelings hit is remind yourself you'll probably feel a whole different way tomorrow. And the next day, and the next. One day my W seems like a faded memory, the next like someone I can't live without. Keep riding.

[Card29]

Thanks. If we're in this sitch for months longer, I'm assuming it will continue to level out more and more. But everytime I dip down, it feels like I'll never recover. Hopefully I dream about work tonight. lol never thought I'd wish that

[Card29]

I find myself angry tonight at WAW. I've just been reflecting on the selfishness of her decisions this summer. Ripping apart our family without a shred of effort to prevent it. Ripping up our finances by signing a lease to a luxury apartment, and then furnishing it with things of which we had extra in the house. Using my bonus to get my dream house ready to sell so I can move into my mom's basement and wait for WAW to live out her singlehood fantasy. When I think about all of that, it really upsets me. I can empathize with her lack of love, because I was there, myself, for a long time. What I don't understand is the immediate, drastic decisions when you get there. We were better than ever at the end of 2013. Winter and spring of 2014 was a disaster for our M (miscarriage, literally zero alone time for 5 months due to work and school for her, then her 1-sided EA). But it's not like she has been suffering with a lack of love for years. She fell out, got a tingly sensation about OM, then got back from her exotic international seminar trip (with OM wining and dining with her) and said "F you and D2" (okay, not really like that, but that's how it feels tonight).

And then I think about how cold she has been lately. She finds out I have a dislocated jaw and she asks NOTHING about it. How would you not show a shred of concern for a casual aquaintence in this sitch, much less your best friend of the last 10 years? Just freaking ignores it.

Oh I also caught her trying to sneak into the house to get clothes. I went home early and she was there looking for D2 clothes. Her being there and her looking for clothes doesn't bother me. But her obviously trying to get in and out before I'm there, without telling me, JUST so I wouldnt know and she wouldn't have to deal with me? Are we really at that point?

Lately I have been sending her more casual, fun texts (usually about D2), and I have been very responsive to all of her messages and calls. That is going to change for a while. I'm not initiating anything that isn't totally necessary. I'm going to ignore some of her texts and calls. It's time to be a little more mysterious. I have no intention of harboring this anger, which is why I'm letting it out here - to see if anyone thinks I need a 2x4, a commendation for a temporary dark spell, or maybe a gentle suggestion.


AHHHHHH!!!! okay I feel better. I would yell for real if not for the jaw

[Card29]

We just laid out the D2 calendar through the beginning of December. We were chatting on IM while at work. I was then just looking at this calendar and seeing how I'm going to miss half of my D's fall, most of thanksgiving weekend. I was upset, I felt bold, so I asked her how she felt about D2, holidays, etc. She waffled on a response, so I told her, "it's fine, don't worry about it", and I walked away from my computer. Not sure if she wrote anything else. I really feel like this is how she wants to live- D2 time just enough to get her fill, then free the rest of the week to be selfish. She has never been a typical "mom". She's ways been insecure about it. I've always reassured her, told her she is a good mom (which she is, when she wants to be a mom). But I think this is what she wants. I, on the other hand, want to spend most of my time with my family. I turned down a 40% pay raise so I could save 6 hours of driving every week, and I refuse excessive business travel. I had plans to postpone my career and be a SAHD until our kids were in grade school. My family is my biggest passion, and I'm married to someone who apparently sees it as a burden.

[Dpc131]

My family is my biggest passion, and I'm married to someone who apparently sees it as a burden.

Yeah, I feel the same way as you. My wife has been a great mom to our kids, but it always seemed she needed more and more of her 'own' time away from the family. I could never understand that, which is part of our issue that got us into this. However, now that she left, it seems as if she has pulled back even more with the kids and doesn't have the same interest in their day-to-day activities. She missed his first day of Kindergarten. (She's been NC really since the beginning) I'm hoping in both of our sitchs that this is part of the 'fog' and that when they get out of it, they'll realize how much their families love them.

[Card29]

The swings continue. Now I feel like I'm a sitting duck, that she is just prowling in the weeds, getting everything situated how she wants before she pulls the trigger. I really want to "temp check" her but am afraid of the answer, afraid of the damage and also afraid I would mind-read and doubt a positive answer.

I need to find some new GAL activities as the coed kickball league just ended and it's starting to get too cold to go to the park all of the time, especially with D2. House is becoming increasingly stressful and depressing. WAW is chomping at the bit to get it sold so we can split finances, God knows why.

[Card29]

I had the thought earlier - I almost need some darkness between us, if nothing else, to preserve the love I have for her. I am just very unimpressed by her right now. My goodness she is going to have a lot of work to do on herself if she's EVER going to have a successful M, even if it's not with me. I have not given her a single reason to be mad at me since BD and yet she gets short and rude with me about once a week. I have never bit on her angry outbursts. I validate what is necessary, give her space, and then it smooths out. A few times she has apologized. But she seems unfazed that she is ripping apart her family.

I really hope her apparent disregard for me and especially D2 is just a symptom of her fog. Her anger has been an issue for years, so if we do piece, she will need to work on that. That is not even on my mind, though, because before then, a miracle will have to happen and she'll have to do the most selfless, pride-swallowing thing of her life and choose to work on our M (i.e. do what she knows is right even though it is hard and not immediately self-serving).

At least now we have the D2 calendar ironed out for the foreseeable future. The house is really hot right now, though. I really need like a week without talking to her right now. The coldness, angry outbursts, etc... it is doing nothing but harm to my happiness and my love for her (a.k.a. the only thread of our M still in one piece). It's time to "do something different".

[bravo61]

i feel you card. the fact that they are destroying lives and hurting their own kids is the hardest part to get over. all i know is that i would rather be a LBS that a WAW. cause down the road, when it hits them what they have done, its really gonna be bad. i bet that your W has even said that your D won't remember mommy and daddy living together so it won't be bad on her-am i right? chin up bro, one breath at a time. what i do is remind myself that she fought for our R for years when it didn't seem that i cared (i did and she never communicated in a way i could understand) so now its my turn and I WON"T GIVE UP!!!!

[Card29]

I agree with all of that. Actually most people that have given me the "at least she's young" speech are well-wishing outsiders. I know they're just trying to be positive, but jeez, that makes it even worse. "Yay, at least my D will have no memory of her family being intact. It's like a fairy tale!"

I am not giving up either. And for me right now, that is distancing myself from WAW. If I fall out of love with her, it's definitely over. And her attitude is driving me in that direction. So I'll be seeking space. I have no interest in the friend zone, or whatever twilight zone she has me in now (friendly texting one day, angry outbursts the next, sneaking around my back at MY house while she thinks I'm not there just so she doesn't have to see or talk to me).

[Card29]

WAW scores another "weird" point...I'm handing off D2 to her on Sunday afternoon, but I just found out from my mom that WAW is dropping D2 off at my mom's house Sunday night. Why didn't she:

- Take her to my house...I want every second I can get with D2
- Just let me keep her Sunday...she's only going to have her for like 4 hours
- Tell me about this plan? Surely she knew I would find out. I don't get this at all.