Dazed and Confused

[CMS]

Writing my situation and attempting to do so without being so long and wordy is difficult. I will temp to make it brief as possible. I want to share a good bit of truth in order to get real advice.

In 2007 I was deployed to Iraq my first time. It was a very long and tough tour. Seen and went through alot of things most people can't imagine. During the deployment my family ended up more abandoning me then supporting me over there. Thats a story in itself. for brevity things were bad and I got a divorce.

Shortly after the actual paper divorce me and my current W got married. We planned a future with a shared child and a white picket fence. She was soon pregnant and I was ordered back to war. while right after the send off my wife went into premature labor 10 weeks early. By a miracle my son was born and lived even at an unhealthy 2 pounds 2 ounces. I was there for the birth but had to make the choice to go to war in order to provide good medical care for my son (reserves while deployed get 100% medical paid where I was located.)

after I returned home from my deployment things got stressful and again unresolved issues crept in and soon I was diagnosed by the Army and VA as having PTSD with depression as a result of the PTSD. NO I was not a physical abuser ever to wife or kids which seems to be the common way of thinking. Basically it just made me pull away from reality alot and soon I was not taking care of myself or anyone else and was a shadow of a man. We fought alot and when not fighting I was withdrawn. I had attempted suicide one night and she stopped it. I began agressive treatment but one day just as the treatment was all lined up and started she left with the kids. I was devastated but unintentionally did DBing right from the start. I gave her space and told her I would work on me. She saw the effort and change and we reconciled within a couple months. that was in 2011

NOw 4 years later although we have had ups and downs and arguements with an occasional blow up things have been consistantly getting better. She had developed early menopause due to her LUPUS and there was some complications within the marriage due to that. Since the first time she left the memory of it stayed with me and I constantly worked on myself and the marriage. The problem is I think I worked to much in one area as I began to get bitter about all the work put in with little return. (I know I shouldnt expect a return as long as I am married but still would have liked more of an active participation in marriage enrichment with my wife. She did not like lving in the same spot for long and in our short marriage we moved (rather quickly each time) 4 times. almost once a year.I just couldnt tell her no.

On staurday we had an arguement that turned into a fight that then turned into a blow up. Hurtful words were said although untrue they were still hurtful and used against each other. The kids ended up seeing it and the wife overreacted. The wife says out out of nowhere she is leaving. Withing two hours I watched and cried as my wife drove away moving back to where her mom lives. Now the fight was bad and yes was ugly. Yes the last month had been a little rough. HOwever her leavig does not make sense. just a couple weeks prior she was telling me how nauseous she was getting cause she thought I was unhappy and leaving her. I reassured her I was going nowhere and we just needed to work on some things. two weeks later she leaves? saying its best for the kids? even though our 10 year old is so close to me he just last month told me and his mom he would die without me so he wanted us to die around the same time when I am older. He was so heartbroken and sad and she ripped him up and has been angry since. She even said my son may hate me for awhile but he will live.

I did the wrong things initially I begged and pleaded and tried to get her to think rationally for the children up and moving them 22 hours away instead of working on things. This only pushed her time frame of leaving from the next day to that same hour. I said on one phone call maybe if we take it slow in seperation we could work on us. That made her hang up and since then I have not done anything like that. I found this site and am gaining some knowledge from the forums. I will be ordering the book but right now I am prepping things her to move up north as to be by my kids at least. She has been making it clear that moving there what bring us back and that we are over.

so now 4 days later I have been a roller coaster of emotions. Cried and miserable first two days and then making small steps. Today I woke up with a small panic and began crying. called a VA counselor on phone and felt better.

She keeps calling here giving me updates as if its about the kids. She is mean and heartless. Not the same women who text me the night before the fight "I sure do Love you!" She has discussed visitation plans and other issues with me and isnt preventing me from seeing my kids when I get up there. However she had a real rough trip up there and passive aggressively blamed me for each thing that went wrong. ( I assume this is typical when someone emotionally justifies running off with kids).Not once have a fed into it or reacted negatively. My small 180's and positive moving forward has been noticed but right now she is turning that negatively. She calls with and update and then say things like " I am glad things are going well for you but not here with us." I resisted quite well the reply, "you left me and put the kids in that situation. All was stable and very well off here. So she has been noticing that I am not acting pathetic. However I just don't know if this is a hormonal/emotional/fight or flight reaction or if she truthfully believes we are done.

I dont want to break up our family and ready to do anything and hopes that through this she is willing to as well. I have read alot before posting on here and I dont see many success stories and many stories lasting over a year. I know I am in for a long haul but need a place of support as I go through this wild roller coaster of ups and downs.