The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

I'm still here, GALing like crazy, reading up on all you DBers at bedtime.

Nothing new to report, other than despite two major pronouncements of wanting to "talk about our future", GUBU has not said a peep about anything.

We've been working together on splitting and stacking wood, two days in a row, so I was right there if he wanted to say anything.

Guess he didn't! Our interactions were pleasant enough, he seemed pretty upbeat. Nothing weird.

I'm starting to get the distinct impression that he wants ME to bring it up. Which I will not.

Next time he mentions this, I'll suggest that since he's into writing these days, perhaps he should write his thoughts in a letter. That way I could digest what he has to say without a lot of emotion. I think this is the only way he's going to be able to spit it out.

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We had a bit of a weird text exchange on Sunday evening after he left. Nothing bad, just some emotional things about how he feels his roommate situation is dysfunctional since she is a caretaker and he's like her (really messed up) father.

Hey--HE said it, I didn't!

Then some rambling on my part, guess I let my guard down.
I said something about his "comfort zone" and he said:

"You have no idea what my comfort zone is."

To which I responded, "I know it's SMALL. And finding people who will fit neatly into it doesn't change that fact. If you want to live confined by your fears, that's up to you. But I choose not to."

And-- TRUTH GRENADE: "I have no doubt that now your "comfort zone" embraces all kinds of (WEIRD KINKY PORN STUFF) that you are interested in having other people do for you."
"The problem arises when you are unwilling to meet the needs of your partner because it requires you extend yourself in ways that make you uncomfortable, where you risk rejection or failure."

In our marriage, he rarely did anything he "wasn't comfortable with" and that included a LOT. He knows this, he knows I'm right about everything I said.

Perhaps I should have kept my texting mouth shut, no doubt I should have. But I am getting sick of this song and dance and just felt I had to say something.

I even said, "I apologize for the medium, but these things weigh on me and sometimes I just have to speak my mind."

And "Like my mother always said, I might not like what you're doing, but I will always love you."

(Oops! Later I realized what I said, but at the time I was thinking--like love from a relative--not "romantic love." Oh well.)

I went on to say I think I was just collateral damage from when he was unhappy and trying to do things to make himself feel better. That I didn't believe he was the kind of man who didn't care who he hurt. How I believed his inherently good qualities outweigh his questionable actions.

How I was sorry that I didn't realize how unhappy he had been and how I was sorry that I was not enough, or couldn't do/say/be enough so that wasn't the case. That I have wracked my brain and couldn't find anything I could have done that would have changed much of anything in the end.

How I didn't believe he ever meant to hurt me, I was just in the path of destruction, and that I believe he has hurt himself as much as, if not more, than me.

I also said that I have forgiven him.

Not for him, but for myself, so I could move forward and let go of that pain.

And I apologized again for venting, that I expected him to tell me to go f*ck myself, and that I was probably the last person who's opinion he wanted to hear.



To all this, he replied.

"No harm. Be well. We'll talk tomorrow. Goodnight...."

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I know--bad, bad, bad.

But I felt like I need to give him a bit of input--something to work with here. He has been taking MY temperature off and on, and I've been pretty vague.

I guess this was my way of throwing some stuff out there. Give him something to chew on a bit, without expectation from him.

Nothing I said required a response, I just shared my thoughts.
I also did not say anything which would come off as pursuit, or would indicate I am willing to take him back without major changes.

I just tried to own my part in things, let him know I still cared, and say I was sorry for not seeing things more clearly.

(This is on the tails of an exchange last week where I talked about my healing, how being alone has been very good, how I'm getting into my own rhythm, no distractions... in other words---I'm in NO HURRY FOR HIM TO COME HOME.)


That's all for now, dear readers.

More to come....


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal

---(G)GGG