Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

[jim0987]

The problem with stats and probabilities is that it might only be one in a million that works or doesn't but you have no way of knowing if you're that 1. So I guess you have to let you're heart and hope decide.

'Hope guides me, its what gets me through the day and especially through the night'

[labug]

Like^

And Shake, if the stats were not in your favor what would you d? How would that change your course, either you're in or you're not. Either you're standing or you're vows or you're not.

And here's where I veer off the reservation, although there are more Ds than say 50 years ago, I don't believe that means that marriages were happier or people were more committed back then. There were a lot of societal/religious factors that kept people married sometimes to the detriment of all involved.

[Shakspr]

I just want to know if I'm a 50:1 Underdog or a 1000:1 Underdog.

Unlike Han Solo, I like knowing the odds.

And, as I said when I purged an earlier icky thought from my head, this stuff has to go someplace. If I am doing or thinking something and someone else feels the same way, maybe it'll help him/her as well.

FTR, my big post-D questions list is up on page 4. Anyone with any input (not just Mrbond) is welcome to weigh in.

[labug]

Still, how would that change anything?

[Shakspr]

I doubt that it would. I am committed either way to a long-term period of healing and growth. I have never consciously embarked on that sort of thing. It's a gift. I hope to learn to treat it as such.

[gan]

I hear you on the stats. I'm an epidemiologist - early on I searched for stats...then I critically evaluated them and determined that they weren't generalisable to my sitch...then I conceived of ways to design studies to get better statistics....I'm so glad to be done with that phase!

What will be will be. No one can predict the future. That was true pre-BD, too.

[raliced]

Hi Shakespr - Since you opened this up for comments - I do have a few thoughts

2) She is super-protective of her phone, is most likely texting him on the reg. I am ignoring it, haven't mentioned him or the EA since last Tuesday. But it's messing with my PMA - her whole body language changes enough for me to suspect that is what she is doing w/o MR. Any tips on how to power through that (other than, toughen up!) So far, I've just been focusing my time on the kids and treating her like a neighbor. I know, 2 more weeks is all I'll have her here. I should try to enjoy it, strange as that seems.

Okay - You're a statistics guy. This is one area where there are some fairly well established stats that you can take comfort in. The average is 6 months and odds are this affair is doomed (yeah- a few work out but they are in the extreme minority). I'm in the same boat - and I feel some reassurance with each tick of the clock.

3) Speaking of which, the next two weeks are stressful for her (new job, packing, leaving our marriage). I'm staying out of it and taking care of the children as much as possible. Any tips, aside from PMA? I'm not GAL'g much - still working out (down 16 lbs!) so I can be a good father while my children are still living here at home. I mentioned on another thread - that memory
book idea you did with your kids - that was amazing, and something I never would have thought of on my own.

I think you've already hit on your answer - for the time being involve your kids in your GAL. I've said this before on various threads - but I volunteered to coach D6s soccer team while I was in a daze after BD and its turned out to be an absolute gift. There's nothing like being around a bunch of joyous, giggling six and seven year olds. It lifts me up every time. Now I can't wait to coach peewee basketball too. Take a cooking class with your kids (our parks and rec dept has great options), train for and do a fun run/walk (my kids loved the SPCA walk where we could bring our dog), volunteer with them or at their school. Just make sure after the dust settles you do some GAL just for yourself.

4) The future: What, in your experience, has been the most successful approach when XW is friendly and cooperative in matters concerning the children, and appears to be enjoying her new life? Cordial? Brief? Nonchalant? Clearly, going forward, GAL activities by myself and with the children are for me, but should shine through to her. If I have an accomplishment (complete a sprint Triathlon, climb a tough peak), should I
share if/when she asks "How are you doing?"

I'm just spitballing here because I'm not divorced (and hope I will never be)....of course you want to be upbeat, friendly and positive and absolutely share those accomplishments. When she realizes boxing gym guy is a bozo - you want to stand out as the best possible option.

It's not implicitly stated in DR, but my assumption is that most WASs have doubts or second thoughts somewhere along the way - and you want to shine in that moment.

My .02.

[Shakspr]

Thanks, everyone for the input. Life progresses. Detachment continues. Thoughts of OM come and go. Showing W as much Grace as possible these days. Being supportive as it seems the gravity of the situation is really sinking in. Validating, etc., especially w/ SS15 issues. He is taking advantage of her absence at work while he is supposed to be getting homeschooling done. I told her it wouldn't work that way, but my opinion on that one, while requested, was not heard.

Went to church tonight with all children, had a good time with my extended support group. They are all really sad my W is gone - she had friends there, but she has shut them out.

Thanks, raliced, for all your input. I really appreciate it. I guess I am worried that the A is a symptom, and not a cause. Therefore, since she's known him as long as she's known me, he's been elevated to equivalent status & above, since he obviously would NEVER do any of the dumb stuff that I have.

Like hold her hand at bedside when we found out that the cervical cancer was completely gone. Or cry together after a miscarriage. Or that the emergency hysterectomy was successful and the bleeding was completely stopped.

Dammit. Maudlin again.

[jim0987]

Easy to do Shake. Just got to try and not let it get us down, which is a lot easier to say than do.

Its always going to be difficult when she compares complex and real and flawed against new and shiny.

[Shakspr]

Still shouting out to MrBond to check out my page 4 questions. I figure he can appreciate someone being a pest.

Spent my drive to work in prayer for as much time as I could. Working on maintaining that link...it keeps me centered and reminds me to choose forgiveness and grace over hopelessness, anger and frustration.

I love my wife. I am committed to marriage, more now than ever, it would seem.

Remember, each of you who castigate yourselves for past mistakes that have led you to this place: you are here and fighting. You desire life and love and good things for you and your marriage. So many, when faced with trial choose a darker, more hateful path. YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON! Love yourself - it doesn't cost anything and will help that PMA!