I hear what you're saying, but this ("I cannot feel safe in a marriage where my wife is still in contact with her former affair partner") is either a non-negotiable core boundary with you -- a "dealbreaker" as it were -- or it's not.
If it's not, then you shouldn't be demanding it.
If it is, you shouldn't worry about how she's going to respond to it.
Only you know what those 2-3 main, non-negotiable "boundaries of personal integrity" (as I call them) are. We can't answer that for you, Bart.
