Newbie Errors- Restarting the R- part 2

[Bart42]

Trying to do this without a promise of no-contact (and preferably, a NC letter sent) and full transparency is only going to lead to heartbreak.

I realize that both are essential components if we are to save the M. In a brief conversation with W today I stated I will not be able to move forward without NC and transparency. She agreed. What I am struggling with is what each should look like in our circumstance. NC we are mostly aligned on as W says neither her nor OM wants contact. Problem is W seeing OM in group settings that she is comfortable with and I am not (like in a group class together at her gym). I think she will send the NC letter if I ask. On the transparency front, I feel that W may grudgingly agree to some form of it but I fear she will not be committed to it and as I stated earlier, even if she gives me every password its not that hard to hide things if she wants to. That said, I recognize a big benefit of transparency is the fear of being discovered and how that helps motivate WAS to stay on the right path.

So I feel transparency is the real catch-22: what I really need is her to open up and want me to have access or at least be committed to granting me access because she understands and believes (even if she doesn't want to) that it is a necessary element to rebuilding trust. Problem is to get her to feel safe and that she can open her life up to me without fear requires solving many of the issues that led our M problems- the fact that I can be a cold, judgmental, critical hardass who will "grill" and "interrogate" her about everything and that she is a very closed person who really doesn't let any family or friends in.

So round and round this goes in my head.