Wife Still in MLC but has now left #5

[ericmsant2]

Matt

The next thing is where the problem comes in....seems my D wants to live "mostly" with her mom. She said "Dad, you're my favorite parent, it's just that my school and all my friends live around there". I ask what she had in mind and she says "Well, I could spend weekends with you during the school year, I know lots of people who do that". I say that I never liked the 7days/7 days thing as I understand that it's hard, but that was the best we could come up with. I also told her that to be honest, I really don't like the fact that her mother leaves her alone almost every night until 9:00 or later. She said 'I'm a teenager dad, I LIKE not having anyone around". Of course you don't, but it's not what's best for you! I told her that it is easy to get into trouble not on purpose, but things can happen, especially if you have a boyfriend! She, of course defended herself saying she is a good kid (true) and she won't let anything happen. Of course she thinks that, she's 14! I told her that I would have to talk to her mother and Get this, she said "Mom said it was up to you!"!!! Oh, thanks a lot, W. Way to drop me under the bus!

Matt, my heart hurts for ya. I’ve been there before. That feeling of getting punched in the GUT. As I read this….some of my past experiences with my kids and my xw came rushing back. The fear, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, the feeling that I did everything right – yet my ex get’s to do whatever it is she wants….and now it impacts my R with my kids. I am sorry for you Matt. Here is what I can tell you…. 1) She is always going to be your D – always. 2) She will come back around..in time 3) all you can continue to do is be her rock. A very similar thing happened between my boys and me, my ex poisoned the chit out of them. At one point, my oldest son did not come over for months and when he did would look at me like he wanted to kill me. So what did I do? I stood…for HIM, for ME. I wanted to quit….many many times, I wanted to beat my ex, I never said anything bad about his mom. Never. I detached from HIM…it was the hardest thing to do. It [censored] big time. Guess what, he figured it out. I gave him the time and the freedom to figure his mom out. I never wanted him to hate her, I never wanted him to not have an R with his mom. I just knew though that his R with his mom was between him and her. I promised myself that at the end of the day…..if he was happy, well then, I would be happy. Isn’t that what we want for our kids, for them to be happy. About a year past, and Jr. started to come around more…..he opened up….he had been poisoned AND he found out the truth. Once he did, all of the anger he had towards me was redirected to his mom. He called her a liar, called her a bad mom, I mean he really let her have it. Believe it or not, as much as I do not like my ex, I felt for my son. He was in pain. He was confused. I brought him to therapy and he worked on it. He learned to forgive his mom. I was proud of him. He spent about a year living mostly with me. In time he really forgave his mom. Fast forward to this year…… my oldest has been home with me for about 2 months now, he has seen his mother maybe 3 days…. As a matter of fact, just the other day he said the following to me: “Dad…ya know I’ve been thinking about this thing with Toria (my daughter an another long story)….ya have to let her figure it out Dad, she has been wanting mom for years now….and now mom is giving her everything she wants… let her….Toria will figure out one day, who the parent is. You see Dad….you and mom switched places after the divorce. You dad…really became the parent….mom…umm…she is all about herself right now. I think though that one day, mom will figure it out and maybe she will change back to being the mom we really loved. I love you dad”.

My point – this is hard chit dude. Really hard. I am going through the same exact thing with my daughter who just hit “woman hood”. All you can do dude, is be the best Dad you can be. The rest leave to God. So as hard as it is……ask yourself….what is the best thing for your daughter. I can tell you that NOT seeing you is not the best….but maybe Matt…..give her the space to figure it out. If I was in your spot, I would agree to see her every weekend. Yes it [censored]. Yes it will take a toll on your personal life. Yes you will feel like your ex “won”…this is not about your ex though…it is about your daughter. You are not going to lose her Matt – you never did. She needs to figure this out herself.

This wouldn't be happening if my W didn't move 30 miles away. If she hadn't refused to send her to the school that she wanted to go to but my W didn't want to be bothered picking her up and taking her to! I should have fought her and stopped her from putting my D in a school so close to her! I hate my W! She destroys her family because she has no coping skills and is a selfish jerk in MLC and now I'm going to lose my D14!! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! My D19 moved because my W "had" to move away and now this!

I agree, that on some level this is happening because of the divorce – you are going to have to work through the anger dude. It aint easy. If your ex is anything like mine….she will have the chit eating grin…that says….”yep…I won…f you…”. Ignore it brother. Ignore it. It is okay to hate her right now Matt. It really is. In time….the hate will go away…. Do NOT bash your ex – under no circumstance. I am not saying that you should lie for your ex. Nope. Do not offer up any info about your ex…unless your D asks you and even then you need to be age appropriate. Remember…this is not about YOU or YOUR ex…it is about your daughter. Right now you need to think about what your daughter needs. All you can do is be Dad…you cannot fix your ex, you cannot fix this for your daughter…..

And here is the hard part…. “trusting the process”….. yep, trust Matt that you have been a good dad, trust Matt that the seeds that you planted in your daughter will begin to blossom. Trust that no matter how f’ed up your ex is….she will NOT be able to “take your daughter away”.

I told my D14 that I would try to think of something different. That if I have to I'll sell my house and move to where her mother lives. Gee, another win for the selfish ass that my W has decided she wants to be! My D14 said "I can spend Thanksgiving week and X-mass with you". I tell her no, according to the D decree her mom gets her Thanksgiving this year. My D says "Really? She told me she was going to go spend it with her father". OK, so more proof that she doesn't even bother reading the stuff her lawyer sends to my lawyer! It stated that I get X-mass but she gets Thanksgiving this year. She has no idea because her D14 means NOTHING to her. Why does she even want her if she spends zero time with her?

Your ex is lost right now Matt and nothing you say to her is gonna sink in. Nada. Nothing. No matter how you say it. Nothing will get through to her. You see, your ex is living for HER and no one can change that expect HER. If it make sense for you to move, then move, if not, then don’t.

My W s@cks! and doesn't deserve to be a mother to her own kids! She stopped being anything close to a mother a long time ago and now she gets to take my D14 from me except weekends? No F'g way! Ugh!

Yes she does and she will continue to suck as a parent until SHE decides not to. So…post a couple of ideas you have for how you can change the parenting plan. What really works for YOU and YOUR D. Cause your daughter is all that matters.

I am sorry that you are going through this…I know how much it hurts….It will get better – I promise. It just takes time. Maybe…just maybe….you can bring up the idea of therapy for your daughter. Take her to see someone, give her the tools and the forum to really express how she feels. And then….keep loving her….keep telling her your love her….spend as much time with her as you can.

Ya know, one of the things that I have had to learn is that…..as a divorced parent, you want your kids around, you really realize the in many cases your MLC ex is not the best parent…so you try to “fix it”, you want your kids to NOT have to suffer, you try and compensate the guilt you feel by becoming super dad. In the end, you have to stay true to you. You cannot fix everything for yours. You can though show them how to work through stuff, you can let them fall so that they can learn to pick themselves back up.

Consider a rock. A big Rock. Does it move? No. Even in a huge storm…does the rock move? No. Even in a hurricane the rock does not move. Right? No matter what the rock is ALWAYS there….always in the same spot…. YOU Matt need to be your daughters rock right now. Consistent. Never wavering. Never moving. Always there when she needs you. You are the Rock Matt….you are your daughters Rock. She may walk away for a while….for a season….she will come back…she will come back to the rock. Why?

Cause it did not move. It did not crumble…and when the rubber meets the road……it is the rock where she will go.

(((hugs)))