Newcomer living in Hell

[Ahoy]

I really can't thank you guys enough for being there for me in this low spot. It is such a terrible feeling. Even though I know it will pass, it's hard to move through it.

25 -- I want to answer some of the questions you posed. Financially, for the time being, I am fine. I make almost as much as H (this is the first year he makes more than me, ironically). But I'm on contract without benefits, and self-employed so my tax rate is higher. I should be fine, unless I have to have further surgeries that affect my ability to work, but in that case I would have much larger problems. I just can't worry about that right now, and I don't have much confidence that H would take care of me if that were to happen.

Although I'm revealing my twisted emotional guts on this forum, I show my H none of this agony. I am showing only PMA and keeping the road home smooth. I'm not trying to alienate friends or family, I'm helping him by keeping D extra days when he asks. I'm being friendly and not making demands. That's about all I can do.

I know I can forgive him, but I don't know about trust. I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. That gives me pause when I think about the possibility of reconciling. I guess I'll just have to see how I feel if and when we get there. But I don't think I should count on him wanting to reconcile.

I do want to model peace of mind and perseverance to my D14 as much as possible. I was not able to do that on Monday. I need to make that my focus.

AND also the terrific advice that Maybell shared -- SAVE ME. That is priceless.

I have been dark with him, except to respond. Maybe I need to go darker and start declining invitations, but I don't want him to think that I am done on my end. I guess he could ask, but he never asks or shares anything.

Next week is sign-up time for health insurance through his work, and he hasn't told me whether or not he's ditching me, as he said he would. I need to know because I need to sign up for my own if not, but my own will be expensive because they factor in our combined incomes, even though we are separated. I keep telling myself "it's only money, and it's worth my peace of mind" but I have to say that this is one thing that makes me feel vulnerable.

While I will be keeping D14 next week during "his time", he will be traipsing around with probable OW and dropping me from his insurance. I've done nothing but help him and be supportive of him throughout this whole crazy process because that's what I'd want him to do for me if I were in his shoes. But I do have a self-preservation instinct as well. I guess I'm in a vulnerable position where he could screw me over, but then he'll have to live with his conscience and the consequences.

I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today, but still struggling. I'm hiking with a friend this morning, then having lunch with two of my girl friends. I am going to try really hard not to just talk about my own situation the whole time. It is HARD not to. I need to share if asked, but then focus on my friends and their lives. I need to get out of my head, and I don't want to become a self-centered jerk like my H.

Thank you all again for the love & support. I wish I could hug you all. Why are there not meetups for people in DB?