Hey Mighty. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. We have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves during all of this. You have been punched in the gut. This is difficult, heartbreaking stuff. I found a post I had written when I was going through this. I hope it helps.
"When all this happened, I remember thinking, my life, my past, my future, was torn away. I thought, there is no way I can survive this. I will never feel happiness again.
I went through the stages of grief - disbelief, anger, sadness, etc. And some other stages, too. Feeling rejected, resentful, and betrayed.
I allowed myself to feel them all. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But after awhile, I felt stuck. So, I started to think about some things. My sister burying two babies and my friend whose young child had brain cancer.
I realized I can survive this. I can. I have to. There is no choice. I had a son who depended on me. He was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life. I had to get this right. What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?
Deep down, I knew I would survive. I had survived a great many really difficult things. But, I wanted to be able to do more than just survive all this. So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it. I knew if I continued to hang onto it, it would stop me from moving forward.
I knew that anger had held me back. I was angry at him, at her, at MLC and that was ok, for a time. It had propelled me forward some. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.
The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That was just giving both of them control and power.
I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away? I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.
So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.
I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well any longer. I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in - and that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it. And when I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.
If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you are on your way.
There are no guarantees that life is going to be what you want it to be. And sometimes, stuff happens. The stuff in my life that isnt good, is going to be there either way. I can add to the misery or find a way around it. I can let it get to me or rise above it. I know that if I allow it to change me, if I allow it to beat me, I lose me. And that is just not an option."
I wrote this about the ow. “ She was very smart, well educated, and married.I remember for a brief moment thinking what does she have that I didn’t?
Then I realized, she did not have anything that I lacked. But I had many things that she lacked. She did not have my character, my heart, my compassion. She did not have my morals, my dignity, and my strength.
She did not even have my h, not in any real sense. She had a shell of a man, a broken man, a man who was lost and in crisis. She was, quite simply, a band aid.
So, I made a decision not to give her any of my headspace. She was not worthy of it.
Their affair was a house of cards, built on lies and deceit. There was no substance, no respect. It was two broken people looking for a life raft in the middle of a tsunami.
You cannot have a relationship sustain where its foundation is the breaking up of a marriage.
I knew that it could not endure with all those things as its cornerstone. How could it?
And it didnt.
When I spoke with my xh about it sometime later, I asked him, "Did you really think that relationship was going to last?"
His answer, "No, I knew deep down it would not. I was hurting and wanted a quick fix. That was all it was, I know that now. During my affair, while the adrenaline was pumping, so, too, was the guilt. But I didn’t know how to fix it or me. And so, I didn’t."
So, my friends, do not give the OP any of your power.
Remember who you are. Remember what you are made of. Stand with dignity and remember that character and compassion and loyalty matter.
