I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

So I find that the weeks I'm by myself and the kids are with H that I oscillate between feeling anger and empowerment. There are a few moments of sadness but mostly the other two. Maybe it's because it's one of the few times I'm alone with my thoughts
I went to exercise this evening ( yay feeling better enough to get back at it) and am planning a get together with a friend tomorrow night. Kids come back friday and we have an awesome plan to go to a festival all weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I did this all backwards- I had no anger in the beginning
( granted I found DB after 48hrs) and I just started furiously reading and working on everything I could and trying to be understanding and compassionate with him. ( not a fixer type at all right?!!) The anger for me came much later. And I still frequently cycle through it- especially seeing the kids hurt.

Tonight I was thinking about everything and how I may have had a lot of things to work on in the marriage- but we both did. And if any of them were truly divorceable offenses than we would both have deserved it 80 times over. But I don't deserve it- I deserve someone who is committed to me and loves me and is willing to take the good with the bad.
Sept 14 was bomb " I want a D" and this Friday Oct 10th is the 1yr anniversary of receiving the D papers in email. They are still just sitting with no further action and given its been a year maybe he really doesnt want it and he will find his way back.
I dunno- I think I'm just needing some inspiration and some refueling of my hope. I can be realistic, but I am one who needs hope to continue moving forward and I'm running a little low right now.