Putting my life back together

[NewLeaf]

Had the mediation meeting this morning.

Before the meeting my wife asked me how I was doing and instead of lying, I said that I wasn't okay. I said that I forgave her for falling into the affair but that I don't forgive her for continuing it while we're still married and living together. I told her I was angry that she is ripping apart our marriage and that I think it's disgusting that she's continuing the affair while we're living in the same house. I told her if she's going to continue it she needs to start looking for another place to live, sooner rather than later. She said that she didn't know how I felt and thought I was happy and had moved on. Some of that was rehashed a couple of times but that is gist of it.


In the meeting itself, the mediator was kind and seemed extremely knowledgeable, though it was surreal talking about wiping out the last three years in probably just a couple of meetings, maybe even one, since we have no kids and our finances are fairly straight forward.


After the meeting we stopped at our cars and she started tearing up. I told her that I hated this, and that I wasn't okay with it, and I got in my car and left.

I'm not happy with any of this, least of all my behavior today, but I can't keep playing house with her. I feel like I'm just enabling the affair. I never set strong boundaries other than that he wasn't allowed at the house and I didn't want her calling him from the house. I'm also not happy with the way I left it and want to send her an email, realizing this is probably a terrible idea, instead I'll paste it here and not send it.

WAW,
I'm not happy with the way I behaved today, but I needed you to understand how I feel. All I've ever wanted was to find a way forward together. It is true I have been happy at times in the past month, happier than any time since June; but that doesn't mean that I don't still have feelings for you, or that I want this divorce any more than I did in June, or the day we were married. I'm not saying I would jump back in and pick up where we left off, because I don't even know right now that I could do that. I just need to set some healthy boundaries and be true to myself. I feel I've tried everything in my power in the last four months to keep the road home open to you should you truly have a change of heart, I'm not shutting that down, I'm just not going to actively work to maintain it any more. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, but most of all I miss my best friend and the woman I married. I meant it when I said I hope you never feel this pain, and that I loved you more than you will ever know.