Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hey Mighty,
I'm with Hope here. You have every right to be angry. If he wasn't your H and was the H of a close friend or family member, you would feel how you do towards him now because what he has done and said is just plain WRONG. MLC or not, he has gone so far over to the "dark side" that anyone can see that he has no "justification" for any of his actions...even IF you were the worlds worse wife (we all know you weren't, don't get me wrong) what he did was beyond the pale. Of course in his state of mind he can't allow himself to see this.

Let me tell you, my W's father did many of the things your H has done to his W and family. Add to that over the years he not only refused to see that what he did was at all "wrong" but he made things worse by abandoning his kids, never paying CS, hiding all the money he could so much so his family barely made it financially. Until her MLC my W saw who he really was. Since her crisis, my W has totally changed this history with her father. She now blames her own mother for his awful actions and lack of caring. This is what MLC does to people. It skews their perceptions of reality. For 37 years she saw her father for the man he was. Then when she started her MLC, she now has totally reversed her perceptions of what happened. She has actually said that HE is a VICTIM. A victim of her mother saying "bad things" about him, his being "misunderstood". Why? I think it's because the MLC has skewed HER perception of what is "right", what is "acceptable" behavior. What I'm trying to say here is that MLC, IMO, causes them to just no longer be able to tell what is right, what is normal, what is acceptable. I think it's more than the empathy chip no longer working. I think they truly lose all sense of what is right and wrong. It has nothing to do with you or who they were before the crisis.This is why so many have affairs with people who they wouldn't have looked at twice in the past. Make friends with people who, before the crisis they would have seen as "bad" people whose values just don't match their own.

Maybe some day he will come out of his crisis and see the damage he has caused, see just how low he stooped in his search for "happiness", maybe not. All you can do is know that he isn't the person who he was and do what you can for you and your kids. Hang in there Mighty. You got this!

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
Oh my gosh, you guys. Thank you so much. I am just struggling so much lately. My anxiety is through the roof. It's not good.

Today a friend from work said her h saw xh & hww yesterday. She asked him what HWW looks like. He said blonde hair & blue eyes. She said, well he already had that. He then added, and very pregnant.

The thought of them together like that makes me CRAZY! I feel like my insides are being ripped apart and set on fire.

I know they are together but I can't wrap my head around them acting like this in public.omg, seriously. I don't think that I could ever handle seeing her.

Mighty #2494990 10/07/14 04:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Mighty,

I'm sorry you're having anxiety....completely understandable. I hope you have been monitoring your heart rate etc. Don't let your health suffer.

Ok, reality check because I know you and what you're made of.

Xh poor choices were never about you, nor were they because of you.
They were because of his inability to cope. His experiences and the movies he played in his head of his own past. Nothing you could have done to stop this.
Hww hair and eye color.... Irrelevant. It's not about her either. Bandaid. A cheap, generic brand kinda plastic that doesn't even stick right bandaid. Don't give her second thought. Like, none. It's not how you think. I'm so certain.

How they act in public is also not within your control. But, you can control how you let it in. Don't give them more of you, Mighty.

You are SO valuable. I see this through the words on this board. I know you're beautiful inside, outside, upside-down. No one can take that away. Not if you don't give it.

I know the thought is scary, of ever seeing her. I had that same fear. I forced myself to face it. I found a business card of hers while going through her wallet the day I found her stuff in my house. She had the same coloring as me. Creepy.

I also accidentally saw them together getting a movie from redbox... They didn't see me. It hurt like he!!. I'm not gonna lie to ya. But after I thought about it, it was so pathetic, I couldn't be intimidated. Not in the least.

What you imagine of the them is not the reality. It's not like the movies or tv. This is not a picturesque event, no matter how hard they may try to make it appear. It's autopilot of what they think they need to do.

It's not love. It's not real. It's two broken people sleepwalking through the motions, mindlessly.

Ok, too much on them. But this stuff helped me before.... Human behavior 101. Babies are fun for 5 minutes. And I love babies,I had 4 of my own. But they are a lot of work, xh and hww have no foundation to handle the stress. Their house of cards will topple. It's a matter of time. It just is. I wish I could place a large bet on this and retire.

Ok. I'll get off that topic. Wear the white hat, Might. Be the glorious you. Get out the way for that mess, cuz it's gonna fall. Let it. And then smile knowing you didn't have to do anything but be you.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Mighty

Stay on the positive road, keep your head up. Vent your negative thoughts and words here.

It sounds like you have made a decision to keep interactions with XH short and sweet. Don't it make you feel good/better, to avoid being mean and nasty to XH.

My H is still in our home and at times there are tons of negative things I want to say to him, but it feels sooo much better when I keep my cool.

Never let him see you sweat!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
Whew... you guys are so right. What would I do without you? Seriously.

I have really got to get down to business with this whole thing. I have got to figure out what it is that bothers me. I need to let this whole thing go. I can feel the tension mounting as due date draws near. Who know when it really is. But I sense it with my kids too.

OK, what I know: xh is a big jerk. I don't want any of that mess.

What I am feeling in regards to being upset:

That xh claims he was so unhappy. That xh never discussed this with me. That hww thinks she is saving him from me and this terrible m. That all of a sudden this young girl (who was 5 when xh and I got together) is the right one from him. OK, I know that this may not be true, but the fact that they think it is really gets to me. Why?

She is garbage. How can you trust anyone who would do this to kids. She calls herself a mother. Please.

I guess I really have to face the fact that he feel happy. I guess.

I DONT want any of that mess. I don't want to be brought down to this. I am better. I deserved better.

There is no excuse for how he treated me and what he did to me and the kids. None. How they can justify their actions is beyond me. They are really living in fairy tale land.

Maybe thinking of them not being happy is just to make things easier for me. Maybe they are. Either way, I've got to get over it.

I have to reread everyone's posts from the last two days. They are quite helpful.

OK, vent over.

Mighty #2495146 10/08/14 01:17 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
I literally just had quotes from everyone who posted to me over the past two days. There were things from everyone that stuck out to me and thing I really wanted to acknowledge.

I am so appreciative of the support I have gotten over the months, and the last two day has been amazing in how I have received support, insight, friendship, and guidance.

I am an idiot, however. Right went I was about to "submit", I deleted... somehow...!! You know, how you can never get it back the way it was the first round. Well... just know... you guys mean the world. You have and are saving me and my family. My family is different than it was one year ago, but what is here is being saved. Thank you.

XXOO

Mighty #2495192 10/08/14 02:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
Hey Mighty. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. We have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves during all of this. You have been punched in the gut. This is difficult, heartbreaking stuff. I found a post I had written when I was going through this. I hope it helps.

"When all this happened, I remember thinking, my life, my past, my future, was torn away. I thought, there is no way I can survive this. I will never feel happiness again.

I went through the stages of grief - disbelief, anger, sadness, etc. And some other stages, too. Feeling rejected, resentful, and betrayed.

I allowed myself to feel them all. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But after awhile, I felt stuck. So, I started to think about some things. My sister burying two babies and my friend whose young child had brain cancer.

I realized I can survive this. I can. I have to. There is no choice. I had a son who depended on me. He was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life. I had to get this right.
What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?

Deep down, I knew I would survive. I had survived a great many really difficult things. But, I wanted to be able to do more than just survive all this. So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it. I knew if I continued to hang onto it, it would stop me from moving forward.

I knew that anger had held me back. I was angry at him, at her, at MLC and that was ok, for a time. It had propelled me forward some. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.

The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That was just giving both of them control and power.

I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away? I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.

I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well any longer.
I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in - and that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it. And when I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.

If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you are on your way.

There are no guarantees that life is going to be what you want it to be. And sometimes, stuff happens. The stuff in my life that isnt good, is going to be there either way. I can add to the misery or find a way around it. I can let it get to me or rise above it. I know that if I allow it to change me, if I allow it to beat me, I lose me. And that is just not an option."

I wrote this about the ow. “ She was very smart, well educated, and married.I remember for a brief moment thinking what does she have that I didn’t?

Then I realized, she did not have anything that I lacked. But I had many things that she lacked. She did not have my character, my heart, my compassion. She did not have my morals, my dignity, and my strength.

She did not even have my h, not in any real sense. She had a shell of a man, a broken man, a man who was lost and in crisis. She was, quite simply, a band aid.

So, I made a decision not to give her any of my headspace. She was not worthy of it.

Their affair was a house of cards, built on lies and deceit. There was no substance, no respect. It was two broken people looking for a life raft in the middle of a tsunami.

You cannot have a relationship sustain where its foundation is the breaking up of a marriage.

I knew that it could not endure with all those things as its cornerstone. How could it?

And it didnt.

When I spoke with my xh about it sometime later, I asked him, "Did you really think that relationship was going to last?"

His answer, "No, I knew deep down it would not. I was hurting and wanted a quick fix. That was all it was, I know that now. During my affair, while the adrenaline was pumping, so, too, was the guilt. But I didn’t know how to fix it or me. And so, I didn’t."

So, my friends, do not give the OP any of your power.

Remember who you are. Remember what you are made of. Stand with dignity and remember that character and compassion and loyalty matter.

And they do not."

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Wow - great post! Love!!! Thank you for sharing.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Mighty, that uR....she knows what's up. I remember reading that, and it still leaves me speechless.

uR, seriously....who ARE you?

So, so inspiring. So comforting. So true.

How does a person do that with words?

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
ummm.... yeah...

you.blew.me.over.

what I feel in my heart and I know... you put pieces together, uR. You made sense of it. Somehow.

I know. I have been thinking of my road map (part of my "lost" post). You are assisting in it, let alone suggesting it. Formation has begun. What a great guide to follow.

Thank you.

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5